Fashion.Beauty.Dating.Career

Another Year in the Books

2010-12-31T11:05:00.000-05:00

In stereotypical fashion, I will now reflect on the past year. As I always say, 2010 was a doozy. I learned a lot about myself, people and the world this year. I became a news junkie, a social media enthusiast, a thrift shopper, a networker and a non-profit activist. Most of what happened in 2010 was not planned. At all.

I've met some amazing people that will inspire me for the rest of my life. I've realized that my gut feelings about things are almost always right. I made up with my best friend after an 8 month hiatus (the emptiest 8 months of my life). I fell in love with Broadway, again. I also realized that I am way too much of a klutz and my body hates me.

I've challenged myself in different ways and now it's time to start all over again.

I would love to say I know what 2011 will bring me, but that's the best thing about the unknown. I have no fucking clue. So, hold on to your New Year Party Hats and stay tuned to this blog for all the updates. I will be fashioning a new look in the new year, if you catch my drift.

OH! I also got engaged!

Here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2011. Most of 2010 still apply, however, some of these are necessary and some are shallow. Either way, I'm doing it.

Read. I have about 4 books on my shelf that have yet to be read.
No shopping. Yes, really. I will allow myself a new piece every season, and only buy necessities. I have a full closet. There should be no need for an outstanding credit card bill.
Blog more. I've neglected you the past few months. This year my posts will be more regular.
Have patience. Each day it wears thinner and thinner.
Save money. On my list every year, however, now I really have to. I have a wedding to plan!
Pay off all debt. One of my greatest triumphs last year was finally paying off all of my CC debt. It has now added up again, and I am back to square one.
Practice yoga again. It's just necessary.
Cook. I always say I don't have time, but this year, I will make it a point to craft some things in the kitchen.
Take time for me. There are just times when you need to be alone.
Give myself manicure's. Another way to save money, and it's therapeutic.

Birthday Blues

2010-12-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

I was so on a roll. I was so ready to be happy that it was my birthday this year, to not complain about the pressure amounted with the Christmas season. I was ready to celebrate getting another year older with people that I love.

Until today. Christmas Eve. The eve before I turn 27. I was fine until, as usual, the season takes a turn for the worse. This year and last, family wise, has been far from easy. And I'll be damned if I can find a family that doesn't have drama around this time of year. It just so happens that all of the drama seems to commence on my birthday. Oh joy. At Thanksgiving, the Holiday season looked promising. And until about 24 hours ago, it still did.

As I've said many a time before, I'm a brat on my birthday. And this year, I was very ready to go with the flow. To fly by the seat of my pants, and just enjoy the Holiday/Birthday and relax for once. It's still possible if I just brush it off. But some things are getting too serious to just forget about.

That's the other thing...I've been brushing off things, people etc lately. I've had this "No More Drama" schtict in my life for some time and in turn it has caused me to have a nonchalant attitude towards many situations. I'm all about cleaning out unnecessary clutter and drama. Cutting off the weak links and just enjoying life. However, although it has made me more carefree, I've noticed a severe lack in communication going on between people who may need a helping hand still.

As this all comes to light on the eve of my birthday, I will try to light the way like a Christmas star and hope that some people forgive me for my emotional absence.

Because having everyone Happy around me, truly is the meaning of a great Birthday.

Dear Santa

2010-12-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Christmas,

I actually don't hate you this year.

Love sometimes,

Allie

I actually don't hate Christmas this year. Which is a first in a very, very long time. For once, I am actually looking forward to spending the day with my family and friends. I can't wait for people to open the gifts I got them and I could care less what I get this year.

I almost feel like a little kid again. I couldn't wait to put up our Christmas tree. I mapped out presents for my fam and friends before Thanksgiving and have them all in place...mostly. I even treated myself to some new shoes at 50% off, Happy Birthday to me!

I spent the day in the NYC on Sunday with my boy and some friends. We took in a Knicks game and just wandered around, looking at all of the decorations, the windows and eventually making it to The Noodle Bar*. We walked through FAO and Rockefeller and just had a great time.

As some of you may remember, Christmas day is my birthday. I have long hated (nay loathed) the day that Santa slid down my chimney. However, something changed in me this year. Maybe it's my old age (I'm going to be 27, EEEK!). Or, it could be realizing that I have an amazing family, friends and boyfriend and I have everything I need. Well, minus that stellar career. Fingers crossed for a lucrative 2011.

In the words of N'Sync "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays."

*This little restaurant was found randomly by my boy and I last year during the Christmas season. While driving to NYC, he expressed that he wanted noodles. He didn't specify Italian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese he just wanted noodles. As we exited the Lincoln Tunnel and into the greatest city ever, we drove around aimlessly until we randomly passed a hole in the wall called The Noodle Bar. His wish was granted and I ate the best Shrimp Won Ton of my life.

November Rain

2010-11-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed my absence from the Blogosphere during the month of November. Some of you may have not. And believe me when I tell you, it's not you...it's me. I was entirely way too busy this month as I was away on vacation for 7 days, sick for some and just working like a dog.

In the mean time, I've been thinking a lot about the future of this blog. In a previous post I mentioned a possible name change. I'm also thinking about content change, making it more fun and less personal. Possibly adding in some Vlogging. My friends, the possibilities are endless. The one goal I do have is to make a commitment to whatever I choose. In order to be a contender, I need to update regularly and not take a 30 day hiatus.

So, until I figure out what I'm going to do please take a gander at the other blogs I contribute to:

Bella Dawn Gossip
The Purse Lover
Beauty Stat

I will be back soon, I promise.

All Hallows Eve

2010-10-31T19:34:00.000-04:00

Halloween is quickly turning into my favorite holiday. It's a chance for us creative (and poor) types to go for the gold with costumes and marvel at what one can do with a piece of felt and some glue. This year, my friends and I dressed as pro wrestlers. Our childhoods all consisted of watching Monday Night Raw and practicing the sharp shooter on our unsuspecting friends and family. We had our own Royal Rumble of sorts last night at the Boo Ball and it was absolutely amazing. As we walked in (sans theme music) party goer's marveled at our costumes: Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Heartbreak Kid and Sgt. Slaughter.

It was EPIC!

WRRV Boo Ball 2010

Dear Diary

2010-10-28T16:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile that we've spoken, and I just want to say that everything is going to be OK. Lately, I've been losing control of what is really important to me and that's me. I spend a lot of time worrying about others, and what others think and ultimately I need to worry about me. Everyone around me is self-sufficient, I'm a big girl too and I can take life as it comes. There's no need to second guess or to jump to conclusions, the truth is you're smart and capable of making decisions on your own, and even ironing your own shirt. Stop acting helpless, like you need someone because you don't. The act is getting old.

As cliche as it sounds, you are destined for greatness. It just may not happen in your 20's. But with your ambition and drive for that greatness, Diary, we're goin' somewhere. People will talk about what they think, but truthfully, only you can make your own decisions. As Barney Stinson would say, "You're awesome." So stay awesome, and don't let life grab you by the ass. You grab life by the ass and tell him to get goin'.

Truth is, we don't control a thing. God laughs at our plans every day. So pop in a xanax and enjoy the ride, because it sure is going to get bumpy. Just don't fall down the stairs, it tends to hurt a lot. Take your time and be sure that what you're doing is for the good...the good of you. You don't need anyone to hold your hand. So, Diary, I guess this whole time, all I've needed was me.

It's been real.

xoxo,

Me

Pity Party of 1

2010-10-25T14:30:00.001-04:00

I have no idea what I’m doing lately. I’ve been having a pity party for myself in my head for some time now. My eyes have been off the prize and I believe that has been the cause for the disarray.

Last night as I was settling into bed I held my glass of water, took a sip and placed it on the coaster on my nightstand. I took the pillow from behind me and was going to place it under my broken toe, for whatever reason a gravitational force wanted the water on the floor and all over my phone and sheets. I literally almost started to cry. I didn’t see it coming. Like most decisions in my life, I thought I was making the right one by elevating my injured foot. Turns out that God had another plan. I took all of the towels I could find and began cleaning up the water, which seemed like a flood.

I act like I’m this “together” girl, and that I know what I want but I don’t. But I do, at the same time. I’m unraveling slowly.

I’m not sure when it happened, but my career became uno, number 1 on my list of things that I wanted. I want success, happiness and good health. Who doesn’t? I haven’t been able to find it. Will I ever find it? I’m not content answering phones and planning meetings, I want something more. Creative, fun, challenging and in my fields of interest.

“It IS a big deal!!!”

I always told myself that if I was in some form of the Entertainment and Media world that I would be happy. Turns out, that’s not the case. I can’t decide if it’s just bad luck, bad decisions or if it’s me? When I was 23, the world was my oyster. I had many opportunities thrown my way and now they’ve shriveled up to nothing. Sure the poor economy has played a nasty part too. I want my cake and to eat it too. I think I know what I want and then when I get some form of it, it’s not what I expected. Am I glamorizing life too much?

I’m sick and tired of casting myself aside because I’m scared. I’m scared to jump in, hurt people’s feelings and ultimately I’m scared of failure. I always wanted this job that I was proud of, that I was excited to go to and from every day and that challenged me in all of the right ways. I would just like to know that I am on that path.

I feel like my absentmindedness has to do with the uncertain future my career holds. I’ve never been more frustrated in my life with my career, I just feel like it’s going nowhere. I can’t change the past or the positions I’ve held, I can control where it takes me though. Hopefully my experiences have made me wiser and I continue to make the right ones from now on.

MarigoPR RT @OfficialKimora: Don't question the direction ur life has taken,
rather, accept the path that is before you now....☺

I would like to thank my fans...

2010-10-12T19:47:00.007-04:00

When I was younger, I was always told I looked like Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. I was told that I just had one of those faces. Suddenly, I found myself being compared to many young starlets with brown hair and brown eyes: Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Katie Holmes, Keira Knighly etc...

One that I actually believed that I actually looked like, and who I have been told numerous times, is Minka Kelly. She is best known for her work as a cheerleader on Friday Night Lights and being Derek Jeter's girlfriend. Minka became my nickname from a guy I dated too.

All narcissism aside, I think this ish is pretty cool. Hell, I had an ego boost today.

Minka & Me

My Mom called me up at work just to tell me the news: my celeb twin is Esquire magazine's 2010 Sexiest Woman of the Year. *pats self on the back*

You can read all about the Sexiest Woman Alive 2010 here.

Derek Jeter is a lucky man.

You're welcome.

New Season, New Style

2010-10-10T22:40:00.003-04:00

I had a conversation with my boyfriend last week about my blog. I have been having quite the internal conflict as to what to do, ie. the next steps. My goal has always been to write what I want, when I want and how I want (sticks out the proverbial tongue).

I have been juggling two blogs, one I had the aspirations to make it "blogozine" like with actual article-type pieces and have contributors etc. And the other blog was this one--my little baby that I have been contributing my thoughts, quips and heart to for a few years now. Ultimately, with my other freelancing duties I am unable to contribute to both adequately. The Allie blog is updated more frequently because it's about my life and is a steady steam of consciousness.

OK, so back to the boyfriend convo: I was complaining as to how labor intensive it is to keep up with two separate blogs, especially when you want to identify yourself with it and have it thoroughly be yours. The marketer in me had branding on the brain. I had decided at that moment that I wanted two blogs, one personal and one professional. I wrestled with the idea all week and stumbled upon this blog post. I didn't consult with my other marketers or other blogger friends for the very reason that I wanted to figure this out on my own.

Ironically enough, as I was writing, my boyfriend sitting across from me, I had an epiphany. I wanted the best of both worlds, so why not make it...The Best of Both Worlds.

Boy: "Just make sure Van Halen doesn't sue you."
Me: "Or Miley Cyrus..."
Boy: "Van Halen had it first."

I can't separate my life, because it's me. I can't separate my passions because that's what defines me. I'm a journalist, a marketer, a lifestyle obsessed 20-something. That's me and I want the best of both worlds. I am very tired of trying to separate the two things that I love because one is personal and one is professional, my professional work is displayed on other sites as I freelance out the wazoo and I have no problem mixing the two. It may result in one of the best tasting cocktails ever. An Allie-tini if you will.

When I'm old and gray, I don't want to regret separating my passions and not contributing to life. I am going balls to the walls with this blog, because in the blog world...you can.

This blog will now be a "column" like experience, the way I always wanted it to be. Sitting in my stylish apartment with my two doggies at my feet, drinking that sweet lemonade I made out of the lemons I was handed. And writing what I want, when I want and how I want really is the best of both worlds.

Feeling all Fall Like

2010-10-05T13:27:00.002-04:00

The new season, Fall, is among us and I think my body has taken that to a literal level. I've never been one for grace, probably because I stopped taking ballet when I was 6 years old, and I happen to be kind of oblivious to stairs, garbage pails and door frames. What I'm getting at is that I am a chronic klutz.

So much so that my roomate thinks that our apartment is trying to kill me. We first moved in back in June and it was going great. Sure I would smack my elbow or stub my feet on odds and ends here and there, but I just chalked it up to adjusting to the new place. Not to mention the two boys leave things on the floor and in the dark I always trip over them.

In August I literally fell down a flight of stairs outside our apartment. I was rushing out the door on my way to work and my Steve Madden heel got caught on my pant leg and down I went. It was a pretty bad fall and luckily I didn't break anything. I had a ginormous bruise on my right shin that looked like a blue, green and yellow shin guard and a bruise on my hip. I didn't feel the actual damage until weeks later. The stairs are treacherous and I had visions of myself falling down them but not to that degree. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to the winter.

Now, two weeks ago we had a monsoon in Beacon. It was originally a nice night and we had all of the windows to the apartment open. All of a sudden it started raining sideways (or cats and dogs) and buckets of water were coming through our windows. All three of us started frantically closing windows. I closed the bedroom windows while my Boy closed the living room. My roomate closed the kitchen, his bedroom and the bathroom windows.

I went back in to the bedroom to assess the damage, it was then that I noticed that the rain was now coming through the AC vent. My Boy suggested I get a garbage bag to stuff the hole. I ran back into the kitchen and unbeknownst to me, slipped on a huge puddle of water that had already formed from the rain that had come through the window and flew towards the pantry door frame.

My left foot hit head on and I broke my left 4th toe and bruised the ones and my foot around it. To the emergency room I went. The doctors and I established that I was a chronic klutz and I was given a boot and some bandages to wear for 6 weeks.

However, I am really trying to not let my broken toe hinder my social calendar and I have luckily been able to keep most of my appointments. Pumpkin and apple picking may prove to be a difficult task and Haunted Houses are out for me this season, but I have enjoyed not running from event to event in the sense that this has caused me to slow down and smell the roses.

So, if the whole falling down thing is God's way of telling me to slow the &%*! down, then I hear you loud and clear.

Sing a Song for Me

2010-09-29T15:24:00.002-04:00

I don't know why, but I have been obsessed with Kid Rock's "Blue Jeans & A Rosary" from his Rock & Roll Jesus album, lately. I've actually always been a Kid fan, even back in his "Bawatitiba"phase. He did tell me his name right off the bat. I mean, it was a formal intro. True dat.

I also saw him perform at Woodstock '99 and he put on a killer show. He's gone soft in his old age--maybe it was his marriage to Pammy, or even that song with Sheryl Crow. I don't know, but I love this album. It's a few years old and he really tugs on emotion with the majority of his lyrics. "Sugar" excluded.

I will also forgive him for "All Summer Long," and always making me think I'm beginning to listen to "Werewolves of London."

Regardless, I love this song and the lyrics:

Kid Rock
"Blue Jeans & A Rosary"

All my life I've been searchin'
All my life I've been uncertain
I been abandoned and left alone
At fifteen I had to leave home
The black sheep, the bad seed

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me
She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

Two packs and a pint a day
To hide the shame
And wash away the pain
Aww the pain
Every road was a dead-end street
Runnin' from the law
And runnin' on empty
You couldn't shake the marks that were left on me

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me

She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

[Repeat]

Misunderstood
Misunderstood

Girls Just Wanna Have Drama

2010-09-21T17:55:00.003-04:00

For the past year and a half I've been a guys gal. Constantly surrounded by people of the opposite sex and, for the most part, my life has been drama free. Many, not all, boys run from the first sign of drama including the boys in my circle.

As I get older, I find that drama is unnecessary and usually self-inflicted. The world has enough to worry about than your petty B.S. with so and so and why they don't want to be your friend. Odds are, you're in your mid-twenties and you should have enough maturity behind you to be social with people you don't want to be. Unless, that is, if you're a good friend and respectful of others decisions.

The number of girls in my life have dwindled and I keep the good few around for the long haul. The ones that are mature enough to actually ignore their cell phones when we're trying to have an in depth conversation and the kind that go emergency shoe shopping before an important event.

Sure boys are smelly, dirty, play video games, drink beer and are extremely hairy and burp in your face but they sure as hell leave the drama at the door. They could care less who I'm friends with and if I'm ever down, they just hand me a beer and tell me to get over it. Done and done.

That works for me.

Exact quote from my roomate after I mentioned a friend Facebook fiasco: "And you want to be around girls more, McKenna..."

I do love my girls. Not many boys would go shopping or get their nails done, but I have my Mom for that. But I'm finding that more and more girls just wanna have drama and less and less fun.

I Wanna Rock!

2010-09-20T19:27:00.005-04:00

Last Thursday, I saw the Broadway musical "Rock of Ages." It was possibly the BEST show I've ever seen on the great white way, battling RENT for the first prize (there's no prize, but if there was it would be a close one). I am a big fan of the alternative musicals, the ones that are more modern, full of great songs and a kick-ass cast. I love being surprised by people and their talents and this was a show where I knew little about the plot and went in a Rock virgin.

My cherry was popped, so to speak, during the first number. I knew I was in for it when a chubby guy with a mullet walked out as our narrator. He was one of the best things about the show. I did, however, fall in love with Drew aka Wolfgang Von Colt. Who is in love with Cherie, a slut from the Midwest with big acting aspirations. I don't want to spoil the whole thing for you but I have never been so adamant about seeing a Broadway show again. I want to go every week.

I wanna rock!

Many of you don't know that I was originally a Drama major in college before I switched over to Journalism. The drama department was the main reason I wanted to go to SUNY New Paltz, they had a McKenna Theater (hello!). I would have loved a career in musical theater but I can't carry a tune to save my life. Regardless, I still have a high appreciation for any and all arts.

Luckily, my boyfriend is awesome and he had meet & greet passes. To my delight, my friend Jessica and I were in the front row for questions for the talented cast. She also met her future husband. Enjoy the photos below. Oh, and go see the show.

Me and Wolfgang. He smelled delicious and is much hotter in person.

Me, Michael (Jess's future hubby) and Jess.

Oh Cherie...I'm in love!

The Best Thing

2010-09-19T22:05:00.001-04:00

I want to be Taylor Swift's best friend-there, I said it. I am in love with her new song and I can't wait for her new album in October. Enjoy her new single, "Mine."

Rose Cottage Couture

2010-09-15T22:09:00.010-04:00

Leave it to me to drive all through the back country roads of Orange County, N.Y. on a rainy Sunday afternoon for fashion. Oh, but it wasn't just fashion--it was a trunk show for designer Harrison Morgan.

The Women's Leadership Fund (WLF), a branch of Orange County United Way, sponsored the event to help raise money to promote independence, growth and self-determination for women and girls.

Luckily I didn't get lost and I had a vague idea of where I was going. I was greeted by Kat and Susan of the WLF at the gate of the former Laura Ashley Estate (yes, THAT Laura Ashley). I parked on the designated grassy area which was not conducive to my outfit or heels, but I digress.

The interior of the Rose Cottage was beautifully accessorized with discounted designer clothing, a win win for us all. Many other eager shoppers already had their hands full with Harrison Morgan's (and other designer friends) threads. Good thing I arrived early.

I perused the racks with the notion of buying a simple shrug or possibly some jewelry, I did give myself a $40 spending limit. I knew I was in over my head when my arms were full of dresses, sweaters, shirts, shrugs and coats. They had coats! With an armful of clothing Kat brought me over to meet Harrison. He was a doll and we was wearing my favorite color: lavender.

Harrison who was born in Miami and raised in Atlanta, at a very young age was deeply interested in the arts. He eventually chose fashion design as a career, and to our benefit expanded into New York City, one of the fashion mecca’s of the world. While in NYC, Harrison developed his own unique style and began offering evening separates and hand-beaded gowns; allowing women to express their individuality and modern confidence. He has the ability to create a piece that, in turn, creates that finishing touch needed to complete an ensemble. His designs are the cherry topping on an ice cream sundae.

Harrison Morgan and I

Harrison’s designs have been seen on celebs like Catherine Zera Jones, Nicole Kidman, Cindy Crawford and many socialites. He has also gone international selling his designs in the U.S., Europe, Japan and Canada. His collections include day to evening, wedding, fur and jewelry. It’s the perfect finishing touch.

My finishing touch? $180 in damages. But it was extremely worth it.

Passion for Fashion

2010-09-09T20:51:00.007-04:00

It was exactly three years ago when my passion for fashion was ignited. I blame New York Fashion Week. I was in the first week at my first real big girl job and I took a crash course in Fashion Week 101. I had always been an admirer of fashion, I did shop a lot, but never big labels I think my biggest purchase was a Coach wristlet at that point.

Not so these days. Now, I'm a label whore. If you're walking down a NYC block, I can probably tell just by looking at you "who you're wearing." It's both a gift and a curse. Now, I can't bring myself to buy a pair of jeans from Macys, unless its Joes, Citizens, 7, Paige, True Religion...and I can't buy a handbag from Target, it has to be a statement...and it has to have a nice label.

It wouldn't be so bad if I actually had the money to spend. The clothes last longer and are made with the highest quality. But I digress...

My bestie/sissy invited me to Fashion for Passion Launch Event at Good Units near Columbus Circle in NYC. It was underground, or so it seemed and they were serving yummy margaritas. Photos were placed all around the venue, black and white and gorgeous. There were also nakey painted models (this I had an issue with b/c they were highly unattractive). The speakers were blasting 80's dance music and we were in just good Fashion-lover company.

All photos stolen from Meg:

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Beautiful photos. Beautiful models.

Me and Meg, we both have a passion for fashion...and margaritas.

In the near future you will be seeing more posts on fashion...after all it is my passion.

Coming Along

2010-09-05T23:12:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm Allie and I'm a control freak.

Hiiiiii Allie!

There are many things I am, a control freak is one of them. I am also impatient, sensitive and ambitious. Most of these traits are for my own good.

During the weekend, I literally admitted aloud that I am a control freak...multiple times. One of them, I was able to finally just let go. For instance, friends and I went to a water park in upstate N.Y. Let me just be the first to say how much I hate rides that spin, regardless of velocity and physics if it spins I want nothing to do with it. I just hate feeling absolutely out of control and spinning has a tendency to make me have an anxiety attack.

Henceforth, friends and I were in line for the big family tube ride when I noticed that the water park attendant was spinning the tube to push it down the slide...to my chagrin, my friends were comforting me that I would be fine and I would get to the bottom safely. Luckily, a new water park attendant came on duty to relieve the Toxic Spinner before our group was up. Phew!

"Um, excuse me, could you do me a favor," I asked as I eerily stepped into the tube. "Could you not spin the tube that much? I have a thing..."

Me at Coney Island holding friends bags, since I "don't do rides."

Surprisingly, she didn't look at me like I had 5 heads, nor did she laugh in my face for my childish request. She obliged. Granted, it did take our family tube a tad to pick up speed but I ended the ride spin free and exhilarated that I conquered a slight fear (considering I had no control over the tube once it hit the slippery slope).

When I stepped out of the tube, I felt like a million bucks and I said aloud: "That wasn't bad at all!" I really made a big deal out of nothing. For those of you who know me, you will know that I don't do this often (ha!).

The moral of the story is this: face your fear.

Stare down the barrel of the gun, jump off the high dive, pee into the wind!

And maybe go down a family tube slide at a water park, and not ask the attendant to spin you around. It does feel good to relinquish control sometimes, panic attack excluded.

I'm Awesome

2010-09-02T20:38:00.002-04:00

This really needs no explanation. If only this could really be my resume. Barney, you are a genius. Oh...and read my blog.

K, thanks!

You Gotta Get With My Friends

2010-08-31T21:14:00.002-04:00

Many people have forgotten about the other British invasion that occurred a la 1997...the Spice Girls landed on American radio with the infectious sugary pop tune "Wannabe."

Besides the message of "Girl Power" to their core female audience, they also had a message for the men. You gotta get with my friends. Before you jump to sexual conclusions (mind out of the gutter please!) hear me out.

Ever have that friend who's boyfriend sucks balls? Yes, we all have. And as much as we try to tell her he's no good, she's still with him. I'm a firm believer that people are treated in ways that are indicative of what is said about the other person. Don't follow me? Basically whatever you tell your friends about your significant other is a catalyst for how they will treat him/her. If your friends BF treats her like dog poo, you won't treat him like he just cured fucking cancer.

For example: one of my best friends had a boyfriend who was absolutely nuts. He caused a lot of unnecessary drama and even jumped out of a moving car to prove his point. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to be nice to him after what he put my bestie through, let alone have any respect for him. As much as I tried to grin and bear it for the sake of my friendship, my true colors were written all over my face.

Another example is Heidi and Spencer--this needs no explanation.

This past weekend I was explaining this concept of mine to my girls who have been through a lot emotionally the past few months. One of them said outwardly: "So, the Spice Girls were right?"

Yes. Yes, they were.

Although you may not be suggesting a threesome, you might be a little more careful as to how you treat your man or lady. The way you are treated speaks volumes in Spice World.

Saratoga Girls

2010-08-27T21:17:00.002-04:00

Well lovies, I am off to Saratoga for a weekend with my favorite girls and I can't help but sing this little song by Katy Perry. I am very excited to bet on the ponies and dance until my feet bleed. I will also be meeting up with some friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Here's to a great (money winning) weekend!

Take Me Back to the Beginning

2010-08-24T16:59:00.007-04:00

At the beginning of every relationship, it’s full of buttery goodness: Romance, Sex, Undying Devotion, Great Conversations, New Information and Sex (again). You can’t keep your paws off of each other. It makes you feel sexy, wanted, loved and cared for. Your life becomes consumed by this other being and you suffocate yourselves with each other’s presence-abstaining from everything else in life.

Eventually, everything unravels. You learn too much about the other person, or see them do something extremely disgusting and everything about your relationship becomes one major turn off. There are very few people, I know that can make it through these relationship slumps: the two weeks without sex, the constant nitpicking at the other to pick up their socks and the always in your face “what did you make for dinner tonight?”

My track record with relationships isn’t all that great. I also don’t have the best frame of reference and the odds are against me (1 in 2 marriages fail). I wish I could tell you that everything is always peachy-keen and coming up roses, but the fact is that all relationships take work. Equal work by both parties. I would like to think that my Boy and I are successful at this. Although, our relationship is far from easy.

We were watching Date Night the other week and it hit me that that many couples have the tendency to turn into that couple--that couple who becomes excellent roommates and not significant others. Maybe it’s all in my head, and maybe I’m panicking about nothing in particular. I just know that things have changed since the beginning. If I could I would have an affair with the beginning, because it was just that good. And it’s not just my relationship, its most relationships. While they all don’t turn into Bad Romances, they do lose some romance. Chivalry is not dead. I’m not your mother, wine and dine me. Please, thank you.

**********

There are little things that should NEVER be neglected in a relationship:

Kisses--My high school boyfriend, before he did anything else when he walked through a door was kiss me. It was his thing and I loved it. My ex refused (hence why he’s an ex). It’s the little thing that reminded me that I was the first thing on his mind when he walked through the door. It still gives me butterflies.

Saying “I love you”—This is especially true before I fall asleep at night. I like it to be the last thing spoken. I used to be even more of a stickler about saying it on the phone after every conversation. I’ve eased up in my old age. But never take for granted a truly sincere, “I love you.”

Touching—Remember back in your courtship with your current or past mates, when you would playfully touch their arm? Or brush their hand, or rub the inside of their thigh…yeah, they still like that. And WE still like that. It still sends shivers down the spine, especially if you get to the spot.

Foreplay—“Kissing is like an opening act. Like the comedian before…Pink Floyd comes out…it’s not that you don’t like the comedian, it’s just not why you bought the ticket.” Foreplay gets neglected, especially when you’re short on time. What’s the point of feeling up when you have a free pass right into the end zone (not THAT end zone)? Always add in foreplay, it makes the experience that much more fun.

Flowers—Cheesy but it works. Flowers just because you were being thought about. Flowers just because.

Texts—A friend of mine’s boyfriend would send her a text every morning saying how beautiful she was. And everyday she would have a smile spread across her face. Simple, easy and it never hurts to tell someone they’re beautiful.

Cleaning—When you’re not asked, clean up after yourself. It makes a world of difference that you also have respect for a communal living space.

Holding Hands—It’s the cutest fucking thing in the world to see older people holding hands. It’s the simplest gesture to let you know that your significant other is holding on to you. I love holding hands.

Time—Make time for each other. My boy and I started “Date Night” during the week where it’s just the two of us. We excluded the weekends because our schedules are so hectic, but if we can do it then we will.

Sex—Don’t stop. Just don’t. Spice it up with lingerie, a hotel room, a new sex toy or book. Just don’t stop.

What are some of your suggestions to keeping a relationship going?

Everyday

2010-08-18T13:55:00.002-04:00

I once watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where one of the Doctors had an aversion to people touching her. Appropriately, that is. I can’t remember what exactly happened, but the Doctor had something detrimental happen to her and Christina (I could be wrong here) proclaimed that an actual human touch, like a hug, really calms a person down when they are in hysterics. Basically it’s scientific fact, or just good television, that a physical hug makes a world of difference.

I’m a hugger. I always have been. Although, I’ve noticed lately that I’ve put up a wall. As I become more and more aware of myself and the situations around me, I trust less and less. It’s a sad state of affairs. I also feel like, because I don’t put myself out there I don’t get heard (bad grammar alert!). And instead of getting heard, I get hurt. By the people I love the most.

My BFF says that I don’t like to ruffle feathers, which is true. I don’t like to cause conflict, I spent months stewing over a fight I had with a best friend. And I couldn’t even go two days without talking to another one.

This past New Year’s I made a silent resolution to myself to stand up and speak up more. To not let people push me around, to state what I want and not settle for anything less. If I come across as a bitch, oh well. I want nothing but the best for everyone, and I am finally putting myself first.

Two people have told me this week to be selfish while I can. Selfish is not a word I like. It describes too many members of my family. However, I will be selfish in the right ways—time, money and ambition. I’ve never been there for myself. I do what everyone else does to me, “you’re fine, you don’t need any help.”

As S, so eloquently put this week: “You come across very self sufficient.”

But ultimately, I’m dismissed because of this. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

*raises hand*

Everyone needs help sometimes. It takes a real person to admit that. And sometimes, you just need a really good hug.

Wake Up Call

2010-08-16T21:39:00.003-04:00

My boy has been saying that he would like a new alarm clock that would benefit both of our morning routines. I wake up earlier than him usually at 7 a.m. and he usually awakens when I leave at 7:45 a.m.

However, he sometimes forgets to reset the alarm after I shut it off. Therefore he's been on the hunt for a dual alarm clock. And like most men, he finds the most high tech, expensive one on the market. Apparently the alarm clock has blue tooth...like I want to talk to people that early in the morning. Regardless, it charges an iPod, has a remote and a phone or something. Sigh.

Boy: I found a new alarm clock.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you get it at Walmart?
Boy: No, it has bluetooth and it does all of this other stuff.
Me: (pausing) How much?
Boy: $100
Me: That's way too expensive for an alarm clock.
Boy: (shows me the picture with all of the gadgets)
Me: *blank stare*

I'm not quite sure yet if it can tell time.

To be continued.

Overprotected

2010-08-15T22:28:00.002-04:00

There are many reasons why I love Brit, her inspiring lyrics are not one of them. But alas, she is still awesome and I absolutely love this song. I've been singing this to myself for about a week so here it is for your viewing pleasure.

You go girl.

Eat Pray Love

2010-08-11T21:26:00.002-04:00

I'm in the midst of reading Elizabeth Gilbert's: Eat Pray Love. And, as a writer I am fully engulfed by her brutally honest portrayl of life's unexpected kicks in the teeth. For lack of better words, depression is a bitch. I've felt all too many of the emotions she beautifully and painfully writes and I know all too well where she is coming from. The great thing is that she had the courage (and the moola from her publisher) to walk away and re-discover who she is/was/wants to be.

While I'm reading I feel like I'm sitting with a friend in a cafe, sipping on herbal tea and she's rehashing every gory detail to me, like it happened yesterday. She engages the reader in no way I've ever read before. I feel like I'm in Italy with her, in India and lying on the bathroom floor.

I am so excited to see the movie. But first, I must get through India.

Little Black Back Track

2010-08-06T22:04:00.005-04:00

Sample telephone convo:

Person 1 (answers phone): Hello?
Person 2: Hey!
Person 1: Who is this?
Person 2: Your past.
*click*

Have you ever noticed that, more often than we would like to admit, we go crawling back to the past? Past relationships in particular. They didn't work out for one reason or another but we still want to give it that good ol' college try again.

Old habits die hard.

It could be out of pure habit or it could be that we're all masochists. Or maybe it's the fascination with "what if?" One thing is for sure it's the past because it's passed. Done. Fini.

I made a wise decision a little less than a year ago to not speak to my ex. Ever. Again. I've gotten texts, emails and calls and have ignored them all. In his last email he even asked if I still used the email address. I do. He just doesn't know if I do or do not anymore. It's beyond satisfying that I have stuck to my guns and moved on with my life. For some though, it's not so easy. And believe me, it was.

I just said, "no."

I've had many friends go back to that one ex that they just couldn't escape. There are people like that out in the world, they're hypnotizing and detrimental to our mental health. They'll know the perfect opportunity to text you...just to see "what's up?" Maybe take a stroll down Memory Lane, but really it's just a dead end. Like the relationship was in the first place.

I'm a firm believer in that people don't change, they just get more the same. They may convince you that they've changed and maybe even try out a new persona for a bit, but it will all eventually revert back to what it was.

The question is...do you want to live like that?

Has anyone ever gotten back together with an Ex and actually have it work out?

Invisible

2010-08-04T14:04:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've been feeling invisible. Did you ever have that dream where you're in a crowd and you're screaming and no one hears you? Yeah, that's me.

This is one of my absolute faves from Ashlee. Enjoy.

Fearless

2010-07-31T22:15:00.005-04:00

As a little girl, I was terrified of Vampires. I used to sleep with a blanket over my neck every night for protection. Little did I know that the blanket would do absolutely nothing in warding off the fang toothed blood sucking dead dudes.

There was one point in my life that I felt invincible. Not in a jump-out-of-a-plane-without-a-parachute kind of way, but that I had absolutely nothing to lose. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how to get it. I called the shots and I was blazing a trail behind me. Then-in a snap, I was scared sh**less.

It was like I was ready to jump off the high dive and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. The dead dudes sucked the lust for life out of me and I haven't quite been able to get it back. The "it" in question is also a question. I may have been green, I also may have been naive and my fearlessness was pure stupidity. One day I calculated all of my odds and decided I was better off sitting on the bench on the sideline of life...and my career.

I really wish I could tell you that the date was December 1, 2008, but I can't. I have no idea when it happened. I became extremely intimidated by my own life that I let it walk all over me. I never saw it coming, I just went on-business as usual.

The confidence that had once radiated off of me, the sparkle that I possessed was gone. Tucked away in the vampire's veins allowing him to live forever as a dead dude...with a pop in his step. I used to own everything I did. I was the first in line for the next thing and I was taking no prisoners.

I lost the confidence in myself to produce what I used to be good at. I second guess myself buying a gallon of milk and I sure as hell don't have a pop in my step. In some way, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. My confidence doesn't even have confidence in itself.

My fearless attitude is now a timid little girl. Afraid of the big big world.

How do I get my(self) confidence back?

Vampires...I'm looking at you.

Super Cuddly J.J. Bear

2010-07-30T10:59:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite things about living with my boy are the last few exchanges we have before we both doze off to sleep. More often than not, it always leaves me with a smile on my face or a look of bewilderment.

Last night, was no exception.

Me: (snuggling) "I love that you're so cuddly."
Boy: (pausing) "Is it because I'm furry?"

He IS 3/4 Wookie.

In an MMMBop they're gone

2010-07-27T19:41:00.004-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows about my favorite band: Hanson. I was that 13 year old girl screaming for Taylor at the concerts CONVINCED that he looked me in the eyes. I had lipstick marks all over their posters, I even had a life-size poster on my ceiling above my bed. My high school boyfriends had to compete with that. It was love at first Bop.

Now, 13 years later (literally half of my life) I'm still a fan. A little less obsessive (notice I said "a little) and I have the utmost respect for their talents. Which, contrary to popular belief, did not end with MMMBop. It was the song that started it all. The questions as to what the heck it meant (MMMBop= a frame of time. BTW.) and finding an ever deeper meaning that, at the time the 16, 13 and 11 year old's proved they were way beyond their years.

The song is really about holding on to the ones that really care, because in an MMMBop they're gone.

You can have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all this pain and strife and in the end they're gone so fast. I've learned a lot about friendships in the latter part of my life. There are the chosen few who will be there through thick and thin and I'm lucky to have found those people so early on. I could be too quick to jump the gun, but I don't know what I would do without these chicks in my life (I mean my friends, not Hanson). We laugh until it hurts, cry til it feels better and shop until we drop.

So, on an evening of what should have been my attendance at a local Hanson show at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, N.J. I decided to opt out to write this post about my amazing girls.*

*That wasn't the whole reason, lack of funds also played a big part.

So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?

In an MMMBop...you're still here.

Always Choose Paris

2010-07-20T20:26:00.004-04:00

Now, let me set the record straight. I used to watch Laguna Beach and The Hills religiously since, well, it was entertaining. However, I stopped when Heidi and Spencer became too much to watch and I don't think I watched any episodes of the last few seasons. However (again), I was sucked back in a few weeks ago watching The Bitch (Kristen) for a good 4 hours. Thank you MTV and your marathons.

What I would like to comment on is this: I absolutely adore Lauren. From the get go I thought she had a good head on her shoulders, a great eye for style and I admired her for sticking to her guns. Not many young gals can come back from making the WORST decision of her life-ie. staying with Jason and not going to Paris. I can't even tell you how many cuss words were thrown at the television.

Although, I couldn't understand what her motive was back then, I definitely understand now. Sometimes (and that's the beauty with life) you have to not choose Paris to let life happen the way it's supposed to. Am I not making any sense? Let me explain:

I was in a similar situation as LC-bad ass boyfriend, treated me poorly, controlling and all that jazz. I had many an opportunity to exit stage left (nothing as enticing as Paris) and I stayed put-motionless in the spotlight. I had the proof that the grass was greener and that there were boys that would treat me better, but it had to go from bad to really bad to "please pick me up from the floor" bad. I passed over some really great guys and some really great opportunities so I didn't disrupt the sleeping giant. I eventually learned my lesson, and so did Lauren.

Fortunately, Lauren and I were able to pick ourselves up and begin anew. She was obviously more successful than I was, with her own TV show and all, but we never let anything stop us again. She has been able to create a nice little nest egg for herself and is an extremely savvy business person. I have bought many items from her clothing line from Kohls, and one of these days I'm sure I'll get around to reading one of her books. I think she's genuine, sweet and smart and she's living proof that nice girls can finish first.

As for me?

The rest is still unwritten.

Under the Table and Dreaming

2010-07-14T14:42:00.002-04:00

Last night I saw Dave Matthews for the second time at Bethel Woods, the original Woodstock site. There is one thing for certain, this man knows how to put on an AMAZING live show. This particular time I saw him was different than the first, and by far better. It wasn't the sound or his set list, it was the company.

My BFF is a HUGE Dave fan and her excitement rubbed off on me. It was a great experience to be next to her, so happy, dancing and singing along.

Plus, they played this song:

I have very fond memories of this song. It was the first ever song I heard from Dave Matthews and it reminds me of High School-an old boyfriend used to tease me about my horrible air drumming skills and I used to sing and dance to it with friends during my Junior year.

I told myself that if Dave played either: "Ants Marching," "Grace is Gone," or "Dancing Nancies" I would go home happy. And I did, with a big smile on my face. There are many Dave fans around the world and with good reason. He's raw talent that hasn't been gobbled up by the music industry. He will be around for a long time and I can't wait to see him again.

Summertime Blues

2010-07-11T19:58:00.004-04:00

Contrary to the title of this blog, I don't have the blues. I do want the blues, however. Blue jeans. I have a BIG obsession with denim. Mostly designer. I want all jeans all the time. Problem is, I want to be a certain size.

Ever since I turned 26, I've felt that I haven't been able to lose weight as quickly as I put it on. I've always wanted to have this rockin' Victoria's Secret bod, I just haven't had the commitment to do it. It's really hard for me to diet since I absolutely LOVE food. I also love working out.

This summer, I have really been trying to get my ass into gear (so to speak) and really hit my goals. I feel like actually posting a blog about this will really help me stay focused and get there.

Thinking about the physical also has me thinking about goals that I have for myself in general. Including (in no particular order):

1. Financial stability
2. Active ambition
3. Career satisfaction
4. Emotional control
5. To be completely and retardedly happy

I'm very close.

No need for the blues. Just the jeans. *wink*

Money, that's What I Want

2010-07-08T09:26:00.003-04:00

Every time I look at my bank account I want to cry. No matter what I do to try to save money, I can't seem to keep my head above water.

I recently took a large pay cut with my current place of employment. I convinced myself that money isn't everything and that I can make it on my own, it will just take some sacrifice. Even before I became gainfully employed again, I made sacrifices. I never buy a cup of coffee at an over priced coffee shop, I never buy my lunch (brown bag, yo) and if I'm driving on the other side of town I make all the stops necessary so that I don't go out of my way for errands or items needed.

I will treat myself to the occasional ice cream or a beer at the bar, but I never go nuts. The last time I had a drink at a bar was probably over a month ago.

So, what am I doing wrong?

I keep track of all of my expenses (thank you online banking) and I haven't bought myself clothing, shoes or accessories in...wow, I can't even remember. My bank account always seems to be depleted. No matter what I do, I can't catch up. I could be a hermit for 2 months and not see a difference.

Twitter friends of mine have suggested to always use cash (@jonlustig) and to stick to a grocery list (@alliemac01), which I am guilty of not abiding by.

How do you do it? How do you save money but still...live? Am I not making enough sacrifices? Should I move back in with my Mom to save money?

Thoughts???

Happy 4th Weekend!

2010-07-02T14:26:00.001-04:00

I had to...

Patience is (not) a Virtue

2010-06-30T09:25:00.000-04:00

I had a long talk with my boy a few weeks ago about my lack of patience. I am exactly like my Father, I have absolutely zero patience and absolutely no tolerance for stupidity. That being said, I get very antsy when things don't happen as quickly as I would like.

Maybe it has something to do with being born and bread in New York?

I would really love to stop and smell the roses. I would also really love to be complacent enough with everything in my life so I can just enjoy it. For once, I am almost there. I am so close, I can taste it!

My boy said that I have to be patient with life, with my career and with my family. In regards to my career, I have not been one to take a back seat. I have made a few decisions (good and bad) and I am paying for them.

Your day will come.

I am always looking for the next opportunity to come my way; ambition is running through my blood. I should be patient and grateful for what I have.

Bethenny: "Failure is not an option. It's just not."

I was watching Bethenny: Getting Married last week and I immediately understood what she was going through (minus the pregnancy and planning a wedding part). She took on too much too soon and was afraid to drop the balls in the air. In my opinion, the skin care line could have waited and so could the wedding (pending personal preference). But, then the show would have been non-existent. In the end, she's dealing with it all and is trying to have patience with her wedding planner-who seriously looks like Buster Bleuth.

Me? I am in nowhere in her position. Although, I can sympathize. If all of the opportunities were thrown at me, I would have a hard time saying "no." Which brings me to my next question: Should I have patience and wait for something better to come along? Or be active in my ambition and continue to look, despite the chagrin from others?

I have never been one to wait. Which, gets me into trouble. Bethenny didn't wait to get married, she did it right away. I have never been one to sit around and wait for things to happen to me. I don't have enough patience to wait to do what I want to do. But...am I setting myself up for failure?

Failure is clearly, not an option.

We'll Be Right Back

2010-06-28T22:01:00.002-04:00

My Dad once told me that he knew I was watching too much television when I left the room and said I would be right back...after these messages.

I've been a busy bee, therefore a lack of posting.

I have a lot of great things coming your way-so stay tuned!

10 Truths I Wish I'd Known Sooner

2010-06-21T13:57:00.002-04:00

I don't normally read Real Simple magazine. But, after reading this article I think I should.

Eloquently written with the most simplest forms of advice, this article is the perfect reminder that we are all human.

Great advice.

10 Truths I wish I'd Known Sooner, from Real Simple.

Thinking 'Bout Somethin'

2010-06-18T11:01:00.002-04:00

Dear Hanson,

It's been 13 years. Half of my life. Kudos boys, you know how to keep bringing me back.

With Love,

Allie

P.S. I haven't been thinking 'bout somethin' other than you.

20-something Something

2010-06-17T20:44:00.003-04:00

I've heard that living through your twenties is one of the most ridiculous roller coaster rides there is. Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns and we're not quite sure what's coming up 'round the bend or can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've made mistakes...BIG ones. I've lived and learned. I've loved. I've lost. And most importantly, I came undone. In the past 3 years, I've held more jobs than you can imagine. I've switched career gears more times than I can count and frankly, I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up.

I do know that I want to be: Something.

“[Success is] doing what you love and having a positive impact on people’s lives without starving to death.”—Gloria Steinem, feminist

I want to make myself great. I want to actually realize what I have before it's gone. I want to take advantage of every opportunity that's out there, and start pleasing myself before I please others (mind out of the gutter, pervs).

I've passed up too many opportunities and let others pass me by because I was too uncomfortable, or comfortable for that matter. I was in line at New York Fashion Week with Heidi Klum walking by with her entourage, only now to find myself behind a desk. I was talking to Ashlee Simpson on the phone and hugging FloRida in the same day. If only I had known then what I know now. I would trade anything to be back in that position. I was passionate about what I did. It was what I wanted to do.

“…You don’t have to pattern your career after anyone else’s. Set your life up by your own rules.”—Tina Fey, writer/actress

Back then, I didn't realize I could be Something. I didn't realize how quickly it could fade, and I couldn't wrap my head around the Big Picture. I was too eager to please others. I was scared of losing. I was uncomfortable with all of the Hoopla surrounding my position and decided to live the simple life-without Paris and Nicole.

I pleased someone else. Not myself.

I have four years left of my twenties. Ironically when I turned 20, I set goals for myself. There's a list about a mile long. I may have hit a little hiccup, but I'm trying to get myself back on track.

I will be Something. Something great. Something that I am proud to be.

“If you’re not scared shitless by your new job, you haven’t reached high enough.”—Leslee Dart, publicist

*All quotes courtesy of Elle.com "25 Year's of Elle's Best Quotes"

Quote of the Day: When You Least Expect It

2010-06-15T15:15:00.002-04:00

Read this today and loved it:

"It was one of the best gifts I think I ever got," she said. "I really
wasn't looking for anything serious. I think sometimes when you're not looking
that's kind of when gifts like that happen."
-Tiffani Thiessen

The Settlers

2010-06-12T22:00:00.002-04:00

Back in Social Studies class, in Elementary School, we learned about The Settlers. People who laid the ground work for where we live, work and play today.

They were innovative, adventurous and sought out a better life for their family and their community.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but, back then, were they looked down upon or considered lame for choosing their land and making a home? Granted, I wasn't even a twinkle in my parents' eye back then, but I can venture a guess and say: "No."

There's a big, nasty stigma against settling in dating, as there should be. Mr. Good Enough will have to do, I guess. Mr. Right is just too hard to find. Does Mr. Right even exist? We all know Prince Charming is a lying, cheating bastard (see: Shrek the Third), and Ken Doll's privates are plastic. So who's left?

Ah, yes. The Average Joe's: Mr. Eh, Mr. No Spark and Mr. Unattainable.

The Settlers on the other hand, are on the fast track to laying the land. Marriage, House, Kids and then Divorce Rock City.

When is it ever good enough? When is HE/SHE good enough? Do we have unreachable goals? Are we setting ourselves up for failure? Are we settling for Mr. I-Think-You're-Right? Am I asking too many questions?

The Settlers are supposed to be innovative, adventurous and striving for a better life. So, why have they become the couple who lays on the couch in their jammies watching Matlock reruns?

Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to change yourself. You don't have to change anything that you do (OK, maybe lay off the strip clubs a bit) and you surely shouldn't have to change the one your with. *Cue "Love the One You're With"

I was once in a relationship where I walked on eggshells. I tried to be the "perfect" girlfriend for a douche that didn't know what he wanted. Truth was, we weren't right for each other. Everything I did wasn't good enough, he was never nice enough etc... I settled-because it was comfortable. I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to find anyone else. So, I stayed. I laid the land. Thankfully, it ended before the marriage and kids. But some aren't so lucky.

Now, I have a great guy. The complete opposite of what I had. We go out with each other, friends and family, we plan vacations, lay next to each other with our lap tops and are extremely supportive. He loves all of the things about me that Douche hated. He laughs at me when I get crazy and he calms me in stressful situations.

It took me a long time to realize that I deserve someone like him. Someone who unconditionally loves me for me. We all deserve to be treated like princesses. Mr. Good Enough is NOT good enough. He may even prevent you from meeting Mr. Right.

Mr. Right is out there, and he's ready to settle down with you.

Working for the Weekend

2010-06-11T12:24:00.001-04:00

Please enjoy the awesome 80's-ness that is this MTV Music Video. I will be humming this diddy tonight.

xoxo Loves!

Slowride...Take it Easy

2010-06-09T10:08:00.002-04:00

My Mom likes to tell the story of when I was a baby first learning to walk. She claims that I didn't "walk" per say, I would run. Head first. I once ran head first into the glass door, my family was in the kitchen and heard a thump and waited for the cry. I fell on my bottom, laughing hysterically. In retrospect, you could say that I was born to run (thanks Bruce) and have always been one to "skip" a step.

This has been both beneficial and detrimental at the same time.

As a New Yorker, I ran everywhere. Always in a rush. In a rush to grow up. I quickly learned how fast you can burnout. I wanted to reach the top of the mountain first, while juggling water and hopping on one foot. It's just near impossible.

A wise man once said, slow down...take it one day at a time. And for once, it actually registered. With a full time job, a part time job, a full social calendar and yoga...I barely have time to breathe (hence the yoga).

I have finally slowed my roll and it feels good. I am slowly relinquishing control to fate. I am actually saying, "no" to people and finally living for myself and the people I love. I want to fly by the seat of my pants, not plan every move I make. Although, I will NEVER give up my planner. That shit's going to be buried with me.

I'm finally taking it easy, and I feel good about it. I'm tired of squeezing my friends into my schedule, I want to be able to walk leisurely through Ikea and pick out little nik nak's that I like. Maybe sit out in the sun and read, or take a pottery class. The possibilities are endless.

I'm on a slowride and I'm taking it easy. Finally.

Comfortable

2010-06-02T22:41:00.001-04:00

"Comfortable"
by John Mayer

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

I Guess This is Growing Up...

2010-05-27T14:51:00.002-04:00

But everybody's gone

And I've been here for too long

To face this on my own

I guess this is growing up.

On the eve of a monumental moment in my life, I want to crawl underneath my sheets and hide. I've never been so homesick and I haven't even left home yet. Therein lies the problem. I've lived in my house since I was 4 years old. When it came time for me to go to college, I opted for the less expensive route of community college and transferring to a local 4-year near by. The NYS Thruway and I became fast friends. It wasn't that I wasn't ready to leave home, I just didn't want to. I had freedom, no one poking their heads in my business and a warm bed to go home to at night.

In the last 2 years or so, it has become increasingly difficult to muster up the balls to move out. Mostly, because I feel a sense of guilt leaving my mother all by her lonesome. I left for a few months in the Summer of 2008 and moved back home in November. The circumstances were out of my control. But I was content living with my Mom again. I had to take a few steps back in order to make a big leap forward.

Robin(crying): Please answer "yes" to this.

Ted: What happened?

Robin (still crying): Can I move back in?

Ted (hugs Robin): Yes.

I do have dreams where I live on my own in a fabulous apartment, cooking what I want, eating healthy and just having a great life. But, in my head somehow, it will only work if all of the pieces of my family that have fallen are in place too.

My family isn't what you would call...functional. I don't know many that are, these days. When my parents divorced when I was 6, I became a make-shift Mommy. I wanted to fix everyone and everything, put everyone's needs before mine and make sure everyone was "OK."

I'm not sure when I became an official adult. You might assume it was on my 18th birthday, but it doesn't happen right on cue. I've felt like an adult my whole life. Ironic, since all I want right now is to be a little kid again. And all I want to do is take care of the people I love. That includes my Mom.

My house has been my safety net. Always will be. But it's time for this little chicky to leave the nest. Again.

"You shouldn't stop yourself from growing up for her."

I guess this is growing up.

Friends VS Friend-ly

2010-05-24T11:15:00.004-04:00

I'll be there for you

When the rains starts to fall

I value a lot of things in my life. My friends are a top priority. I would like to think that I have some great ones and that I am a great one in return. Nobody's perfect. I love the laughter, the inside jokes and the way that a certain few always know what I'm thinking. My best friends know the real me. The real me that puts on a good front for the crowd and the real me that has real feelings. Feelings that get hurt easily.

Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I wear my pride. I take pride in my friendships and I treat them like they're my family. I take care of the people I care about and I don't exactly expect it in return. I just expect, respect.

Over the past few months, I've noticed the actual number of friends I have has dwindled significantly.

Some out of distance.

Some out of conflict.

Some out of growing up.

Some out of being too consumed in relationships.

In this day in age, with the likes of Facebook and Twitter taking over our universe, it's impossible not to check up on people and still remain "friendly." Think about it, how many of your Facebook friends are ACTUALLY your friends. People that you talk to regularly and share your secrets with? Do we use the term "friend" too loosely? For my liking, yes.

I consider a Friend, a person who is like family. Someone who I can have deep conversations with about nonsense, someone who is supportive of decisions I make, someone to go shopping with, someone to share coffee with, someone to take an aimless walk with and someone who loves me for me. And someone who won't completely disregard my feelings.

Today, I can count on one hand the number of girl friends that I have. And I'm OK with that. My girls mean the world to me and they know that. I can fill up the rest of my fingers with the amount of people I am "friendly" with. But it's not the same.

To be a friend, you are a friend 'til the end. Not when it's just convenient for you. Not when your girlfriend or boyfriend is out of town, not when someone from your past comes knocking at your door and not when you've completely betrayed my trust.

Friends and I have grown apart and gone our separate ways, but they served their purpose whether it was for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

All for one and one for all.

Your Love is Better than Ice Cream

2010-05-19T09:20:00.002-04:00

Snuggling with my boy last night, I made a statement...and he called me out.

Me: You're my favorite thing.
Boy: Even more than ice cream?
Me: Yes...
Boy: I think you're lying.
Me: Well, what flavor of ice cream?

Please Don't Wake Me From This Dream

2010-05-17T10:36:00.002-04:00

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back
and laugh at the sky." ~Buddha

Top 5 Songs for Summer

2010-05-16T20:16:00.002-04:00

There are a few songs, that when listened to remind me of summer. I have whole albums that I just listen to in the summer (LBT *cough*) and ONLY in the summer. It's just something about these few songs that make me want to have my car windows rolled down, the song blaring and the sun shining on my face.

In no particular order:

1. Dave Matthews Band- "Dancing Nancies"
-Sing and dance, I'll play for you tonight

2. 311 "Daisy Cutter"
-My Daisy, make me go crazy

3. Hanson "Penny & Me"
-Cigars in the summertime under the sky by the light

4. Life Before This "Bright Eyes"
-When I saw you, I looked into your eyes

5. Bryan Adams " Summer of '69"
-I got my first real 6-string

Happy (almost) Summer!

An Open Letter

2010-05-12T21:29:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, on a little show called How I Met Your Mother, Barney and Ted wrote letters to themselves as to remind them of a troubling time, or bad characteristics of a person. They both wrote letters to themselves about Robin, whom they are both in love with, in hopes that when they read the letter to themselves in the future they would remember the feelings of the current situation.

Ergo, I am going to do the same (and I've done it before), but not about a certain person or circumstance just about life in general. So, forgive me if it's a bit random.

*******

Dear Future Allie,

Hi, how's it going? I hope well. There are a few things I'd like to remind you: Good friends don't come along very often-hang on to the ones you have and don't let go. People drift in and out of your life, it's OK, they served their purpose. Walking out on him was the best decision you could have ever made. NYC is the best city on earth-although not everyone is meant to live there. Your Mom really does have a heart of gold-even if she can be a bit of a pain. You have the ambition and the creativity-just do it!

You will regret not getting up an hour earlier to workout. You will regret eating those cookies. Being one of the boys isn't so bad (a lot less drama). Communication with the ones you love is priceless. Sometimes it really is OK to let go. Just because it's on sale, doesn't mean you have to buy it. Travel and experience new things as often as possible (pending funds in your bank account). SAVE MONEY! Encourage others to be the best they can be.

You've grown up a lot in the last few years. A wise woman once said that 26 was her favorite age because she was old enough to know better but still looked good. Don't be afraid to take the plunge. Sometimes the scariest decisions are the best ones. Know that you don't do well on boats. You have the most amazing boyfriend, don't ever let him get away. Stop nagging and trying to be perfect all the time-that shit's getting old. Take more pictures-with the way your memory is...you'll need them to recall.

Sometimes you have to take a few wrong turns to get on the right path. It's OK to admit you have a problem. Rich people suck. Always go with your gut feeling-NOT the euphoria that clouds the gut feeling-go with your ACTUAL gut feeling. You will miss the little things about people when they're gone. Just be yourself-who ever that is. I hope you've figured that out by now.

Also, remember this-you are an great person. And one hell of a walking contradiction.

Talk soon!

Love,

Me

Forever & Always

2010-05-09T18:37:00.004-04:00

Forever and always you will be my mother. A ray of light in the midst of rain. A hug on a bad day. Always laughing at my bad jokes. Cooking delicious meals. *Still* doing my laundry. Selfless. Forgiving. Loving. Generous. Always smiling. Caring.

Not only are you my mother, you are also my friend. A friend til the end. The bestest person on earth.

@Odiepalooza on a log in the middle of nowhere drinking beers

You are there for me when no one else is/was. There is no amount of money or love in this world that I can repay you with for the way that you raised me. Hell, I know it wasn't easy.

Here's to you Mom.

Happy 55th

Mayday! Mayday!

2010-05-03T21:51:00.003-04:00

There are somethings in life that I need help with. Two of them are having too much faith in people and the other is not being able to let go.

In my last post, I expressed how much I learned about myself at a Staff Retreat. During one of our exercises, my co-workers and I were asked to take a piece of poster paper and write some words that describe ourselves. I put the obvious: Yogi, Creative, Ambitious...etc. One stuck out to me though, and I didn't even realize it until the words spilled out from my fingertips: I have an overwhelming need to help people.

I am that person that will give a homeless man a granola bar on the subway after witnessing him devour a bag of "Dots".

When my stop came I reached in my purse and pulled out the granola bar I had left over from lunch. I stood up, looked right at him and handed him what little I had. He thanked me and I walked to my train, wiping tears from my eyes.

Tears of joy, sure, but also for what I was not able to do.

I find myself in over my head at times. I rarely say "no" to anyone who asks me for help, I also love being there for my friends. My friends have become my family. I don't have many close girlfriends, anymore, I find that I have trust issues and can never let them get too close. I've been burned and it didn't feel so hot. No pun intended.

I've learned enough to know when enough is enough. I also know enough to know myself that I am stronger than I let myself think. And the funny thing is, no one knows this better than me.

My faith in people may have dwindled in certain situations, but I have finally learned to just let go.

False alarm.

To Me, It's Personal

2010-04-28T21:31:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I take life too seriously. With that sort of attitude, I may not come out alive. My boy has done a great job at breaking me of this, but I can't help a relapse here and there.

I recently started a new job (you may have noticed with the lack of posts and the shortness of posts). Although my new venture is not entirely in my projected field of interest, I am definitely where I am supposed to be. In the few days that I have been employed there, I have learned so much about myself and my life goals. My heart swells with happiness thinking of all of the possibilities out there for me and knowing that I have the support group I need.

I also have a horrible habit of asking everyone else's opinion on a subject or situation...and then not listening.

The greatest knowledge is to be self-aware.

We had a Staff Retreat yesterday. The first half of the morning was our personal time to really think about and write down our life goals. It never really occurred to me to do such a thing, I just always had it in the back of my mind. Hoping that one day I would get there.

"...there's no elevator to success. You gotta take the stairs."

Really putting my goals out there helped shift my focus and kick my butt into high gear. If there is one thing, I will take this part of my life seriously. It's my future, I'm knocking on the doors of fate and destiny and I'm hoping one of them will let me in. If not, I will beat it down.

If you ask my Mom, my Dad and my Boy...they will all tell you one indefinite thing about me: I don't listen to anyone but myself.

Everything in my life is my personal obstacle, my personal loss or gain. Everything is my own.

My body is a holy temple.

I am taking this new found opportunity and running with it. I'm going to jog with this good feeling and I am going to forge uphill with my passion.

Everything happens for a reason. I am inspired by everyone and everything. And it's a wonderful feeling to just let go and laugh at the sky.

"There's a time and place for everything,
There's a reason why certain people meet
There's a destination for everyone
What's the explanation when we're done

All the summer nights spent wondering
So many questions asked
But no one's answering
Would it be OK if I left today
Took my chances on what you said was wrong

I'm jaded, stupid and reckless not sorry
When I'll never regret these years spent
So faded and reckless not sorry
And I'll never regret these years
I'll never regret these years."

--Mest, "Jaded."

Slummin' in Paradise

2010-04-27T22:44:00.003-04:00

I. Want. To. Go. Back. Now.

P.R. '10

Day Dream Believer

2010-04-20T11:50:00.002-04:00

Laying in bed in in a hotel room on a tropical island, I look over at my boy and I see that he's deep in thought.

Me: (coyly) What are you thinking?

Boy: (pauses) What it's like to be James Bond.

At least he was honest.

When I was a Little Girl

2010-04-07T18:01:00.003-04:00

At what point do we lose sight of the things we wanted? At what point does reality set in and we realize that life is really like a box of chocolates? Responsibility. Walls. Doors slammed in our faces. Trying to make ends meet. Taking care of ourselves and our families.

All of the above are factors in everyday life. When I was a little girl, the world was my oyster. Actually, no. I don't like oysters---When I was a little girl, the world was Barbie's Dream House. Full of endless possibilities, not a care in the world. On any given day I could be a Lifeguard, a Doctor, a School teacher, a Police Officer...or I could just ride around in my convertible with my hubby Ken.

If only we could all live like that bitch.

When I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to make a difference. To be proud of myself and my accomplishments. I wanted to make a difference with my writing. With my words, with my point of view and without sacrifice. I love writing about people and their amazing stories. I also love writing tongue-in-cheek pieces about pop culture, fashion, beauty and lifestyle.

When I was a little girl, I was responsible. My parents made sure of that. I knew I had to clean my room, eat breakfast and vacuum some part of the house before I turned on Saturday morning cartoons or played with my Barbie dolls.

When I was a little girl, I wasn't aware of what the real world would be like. All I knew is what they showed on MTV.

When I was a little girl, I thought I could take on the world. I was SuperGirl. Well, Wonder Woman is more accurate since she's a brunette.

When I was a little girl, I cared about everyone and everything. I never wanted to disappoint. I wanted to help, do the right thing and live happily ever after.

I was watching A League of Their Own yesterday, one of my all time favorite movies. One part stuck with me, when Geena Davis' character was leaving the team because it just got too hard. Everyone, including Tom Hanks, said she would regret never playing again. She was leaving to be home with her husband and have babies.

Times have changed. I don't live in a world anymore where I have to have dinner on the table by 6pm and I sure as hell don't wear pearls when I vacuum. These days, it's taboo for women to live like that. There are so many opportunities out there for us it's refreshing!

So why are the dreams I had yesterday, not the same ones I have today? Does life really get in the way? Is it the luck of the Irish? Or am I not motivated anymore? Has working in the corporate world completely drained me of all of my creativity? Have I lost all ambition to be the writer I've always wanted to be? Will I ever have my own column, perfect grammar and a house by the beach?

When I was a little girl, things seemed so much easier.

Memories in the Making

2010-04-05T10:56:00.000-04:00

On April 5, 2009 something unexpected happened. I fell in love with my best friend. Sure, it happens in the movies and the odds of a couple working out these days are slim to none, but for some reason the two of us got it right. Finally.

April 5th is his birthday and, granted this is a small gesture, but I wanted to show my appreciation for him with a montage of photos of us throughout the years.

And there will be many more to come.

Happy Birthday Baby!

The Memory of a Goldfish

2010-03-30T11:31:00.002-04:00

Dory: I saw a boat.
Marlin: You did?
Dory: Yeah, it went by not too long ago. Follow me.
[few seconds later, she starts zig-zagging in front of him and glancing back]
Dory: Would you quit it? What, the ocean isn't big enough for you or something like that? You got a problem? Huh? Do ya, do ya, do ya? You wanna piece of me? Yeah, yeah! Ooh, I'm scared now! What?
Marlin: What? You said you saw a boat.
Dory: A boat?
Marlin: YES.
Dory: Hey, I've seen a boat. It went by not too long ago. It went... this way. It went this way.
Marlin: Wait a minute, you already told me which way the boat went.
Dory: I did? Oh, no...

(via)

I'm not quite sure what to title this...

2010-03-23T10:40:00.002-04:00

And I'm also not quite sure what I want to say.

Throughout my life, I have been a bucket full of contradictions-making up my mind and changing it 2 hours later.

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a writer. I wrote my first "story" when I was 8 years old. My first screen play when I was 13 plus mounds and mounds of poems, songs, blogs, articles, press releases and the like.

I always feel at ease with the keyboard under my finger tips and with a pen in my hand. I love the ability to have my thoughts spilled out on paper or the computer screen, since the highway that connects my brain and my fingertips has less traffic than the highway from my brain to my mouth.

I transitioned to PR after my start in journalism to my dismay. Every time I started a press release, I wanted to be the one writing the article. I always loved creating new and inovative ways to express some else's point of view through words. The first full fledged article I ever wrote was for Lisa Philip's Journalism 1 class at SUNY New Paltz. I decided to write about the most fascinating person I knew. My friend Vivianne.

Vivianne was in her 60's and fabulous. She had an innate sense of self, a knack for making people love her instantly and the awesomest background story. Born in Belgium during WWII, she narrowly escaped the Holocaust when she was 9 months old, moved to Queens, N.Y., married an alcoholic, divorced an alcoholic, dealt with the death of her twin sister and made a huge impact on my life.

In 2006, Vivianne unexpectedly passed away in her sleep...on the same exact day her twin sister died six years earlier. One week after after she turned 66.

At her funeral, I gave a copy of the article I wrote to her daughter. Her daughter expressed to me how honored and special Viv felt when I wrote the article on her a few months earlier. It was the least I could do.

When I wrote that article, I knew I had found my calling. Sure, my judgement hasn't been the best the past few years as far as career choices go, but I've lived and learned.

I'm about to embark on possibly one of the most uncharacteristic decisions of my life. Becoming willingly unemployed. Yes, willingly. I won't bore you with the details but there are some things in my life that have to change.

And to sound ridiculously cliche, I need to find myself and really search for the perfect career in journalism where I can grow and utilize my creativity.

So, here's to uncertainity, the unknown and hopefully the eventually lucrative.

Cheers!

I Belong to Me

2010-03-15T21:55:00.002-04:00

I find Jessica Simpson endearing. I think she's beautiful, smart (yes, I said smart), funny, cool and most of all-she's real. Pssh, anyone could have mistaken tunafish for chicken. She is unabashedly herself and I completely admire her. Her albums don't always go platinum and her movies go straight to DVD, but she has a raw talent that is poorly marketed and shunned by the media.

When the going got tough, she didn't shave her head bald and beat a Pap's car with an umbrella (sorry Brit!), she didn't lose her panties and she didn't party with the Hilton's. She stood her ground, remained herself and allowed the Cowboys one of their worst seasons. Yoko Romo my butt.

Jess Simpson is easily relatable and so are her songs. One of my favorite's by her is "I Belong to Me," a song written post-Nick and the video is just show's off her raw talent.

Since Blogger now has all of these different features, it's hard for me to embed the video on here to show you. If you care, you can look it up on YouTube yourself. But for your listening pleasure, the song are below.

Motivation Proclamation

2010-03-01T11:11:00.002-05:00

Before they were covered in tattoo's, impregnating socialites and sold out to the masses, Good Charlotte was one of my favorite bands. "Motivation Proclamation" is a great Monday song for someone who's had an exhausting and emotionally draining weekend.

"Spend your lazy, endless crazy days, inside my head,

You're so selfish, you're not the only one who thinks he's dead

I'm paid to smile, now I'm on trial for what you think I said

But I never said that everything would be ok,

And I never said that we would live to see another day

Motivate me, I wanna get myself out of this bed,

Captivate me, I want good thoughts inside of my head,

If I fall down would you come around

and pick me right up off the ground

I'm realistic and narcisistic,

You say I'm selfish and absurd

You try to change me, you try to save me

You say I'm gonna learn,

I'm so blind, I'm out of time,

You're so unkind sometimes,

I never lied, I never lied, I never lied

Cuz I never said that everything would be ok,

and I never said that we would live to see another day..

'Cause everything it'll be ok,

You know we're gonna live to see another day,

Yeah...yeah... Motivate me...yeah, Motivate me...yeah"

-Good Charlotte

Amazing Inspiration

2010-02-22T15:37:00.003-05:00

And how high can you fly with broken wings?

Life's a journey not a destination

And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

(via)

Aerosmith, "Amazing"

Blast from the Past: Just One More

2010-02-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I can do it. Take that one big step. I tend to cloud my mind and my life with things that don't allow me to focus on what's really important.

Avoiding reality? Possibly.

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts, both personally and professionally. I'm on a step where I can take one more and I can move on and work and focus on me, finally. I could also take one step back to revisit and perfect what was once familiar. I'm not sure which step, forward or backward, will make me happy. Perhaps neither. I guess that's the gamble I am going to have to take.

Life has a weird way of timing things. Right when you pick up your foot to take the step, the wind blows and throws you off balance, catching yourself you plant your foot back down on the same step to steady the world again.

My world is still a little wobbly. And I'm afraid to pick up my foot again.

(via)

Are You There God? It's Me, Allie.

2010-01-26T21:03:00.002-05:00

As I looked up at the stars tonight, I wondered if anyone was really out there. You know, up there. Listening. Watching. Keeping score. I always felt like the stars were, in a way, protection. It's one thing that when night falls, I can always look up and see. It's comforting, kind of like a confidant. I've wished upon many and hoped for the best.

I have always been a dreamer.

I've also always had faith. Not necessarily in a religious way, just faith-faith in people, faith in God, faith in situations and faith in myself. I was brought up in a Catholic household, my father, a former altar boy turned lectern kept my brother and I at the forefront of all church activities. I didn't mind going to church, and once I turned 18, it was my choice to continue going or not to go. I chose not to go. Sure, I'd make an appearance on Christmas and Easter, maybe even Ash Wednesday, but I wasn't present every Sunday.

Throughout that time in my life I developed my own beliefs and a great relationship with God. I even started talking to Him more frequently. Praying almost every night. I always made sure I prayed practically and not for superficial things, like a new car or a great boyfriend. I prayed for people in my life that mattered, the ones to look out for and the ones that may have needed extra help.

"Say 'hi' to Nanny for me, " I used to end with.

It may have been childish to believe that there was something He could do, but it was my faith in Him that made me think otherwise. Sure, God is busy. He has about a bajillion of us to worry about. But I always felt someone was listening.

Now, at the ripe old age of 26, I'm not so sure. My faith in people has dwindled. My faith in God has remained the same. He knows where I stand. But I've lost faith in most situations and most recently in myself.

I can't pinpoint exactly when my faith went by the wayside, it just has over time. I've been burned by people close to me and it has made me a little skiddish. I'm through with immaturity and people taking advantage of my kindness. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I will be a doormat no longer. I would like to have my faith fully restored in humanity and myself.

To remedy this-I will begin with prayer.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose

2010-01-13T10:49:00.003-05:00

I'm not exactly sure when I started to lose my mind, but it happened very suddenly. That's the other thing too...I can't remember. It started with little things like people's names and then it turned into a blank stare when someone would refer to something they said a few days ago, a few hours ago, a few minutes ago.

As far as I know, Alzheimer's doesn't run in my family. But I truly feel that I have an early case of it. I can't remember funny stories, I can't remember dates and I can't remember what someone said 5 minutes ago. It's scary. I feel like I have lost total control of my mind. In more ways than one.

Not only am I forgetful, I can't concentrate long enough on anything to really get a grasp on it. Could I have developed ADD in my adult life? Is MTV to blame? I can't decide if my lack of concentration is due to laziness or if there is some sort of chemical imbalance.

This is my brain.

I can't form complete sentences. Proper grammar, definitions of words and speaking have all proven to be difficult tasks. I'm no longer positive of the correct protocol of how to write a letter, ask someone for a favor or just tell someone that I can't do something.

Is it stress?

I don't really feel stressed. Technically, I've been stressed since 2005. The beginning of the 5th year really wouldn't make much of a difference. Since my sophomore year in college my life has just been non-stop. Going here and there, doing this and that and running myself ragged.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

There's a fog over my brain that has yet to lift. Maybe I just need a muse? A healthy dose of confidence? All I know is, I have to do it myself.

Why Maggie is My Girlfriend

2010-01-07T10:51:00.003-05:00

Our conversation via AIM on how we will cleanse on our impending trip to Virginia Beach this weekend:

Maggie: i figure we would both just take one shower on Saturday

Maggie: that way we won't be in the way too much

Maggie: well ok, not together but that would be the day we would

Maggie: lol

Allie: hahahahaha

Allie: people would want that video taped

Allie: we could make bank on that

Maggie: lol o god yes

For Once LiLo has The Right Idea...

2010-01-06T10:35:00.004-05:00

Lindsay Lohan: "My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down," she posted on Twitter. "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!?"

It also might be time for her to consider purchasing a dictionary.

Amen Sista-Friend!

10 for 10

2009-12-31T08:47:00.010-05:00

I am ready to start anew. I did A LOT of growing up in 2009, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about other people. It would be almost untrue if I said that 2009 was a bad year all around, but in actuality it did suck.

I loved.

I lost.

I cried.

I gained.

I had fun.

I drank green tea.

I got painted.

I dated.

I yoga'd.

I wrote.

I spent.

And I tried.

I am a huge advocate for doing what you say. For the new decade I will steal Nike's slogan and "Just Do It!" because odds are, I will regret it if I don't do it. So, lo and behold the great 10 of 2010-in no particular order:

Become a size 4. And stay a size 4.
Learn my native tongue. Spanish.
Read books. For a writer, I need to read more to expand my thoughts, ideas and vocab.
Take ballet. Flexibility, grace, elegance and a workout.
Continue playing soccer. I proved to myself I can get back in the game.
Drink the proposed amount of water daily. Good for skin, internal system and thirst.
Recycle. It's just good for the environment.
Smell the roses. Taking time, slowing down and just being.
Save moola. 10% of every pay check is going into a savings account. Credit cards will be emergencies only (new shoes count :))
Stick to a diet plan of healthy eating. Weight Watchers is first.

One more for good luck: Blog more. Besides actual therapy, this blog has proven to be an outlet for me and it feels good.

Cheers to a happy and healthy one!

Retraction: Best Birthday Ever!

2009-12-28T11:39:00.008-05:00

On December 25, 2009 I became a believer. I became a believer in people- not Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, but of the good in people. And I believe that I have the most amazing friends on the face of this earth.

You may remember a little blog I wrote about how much I hate the Holidays. I still hate the Holidays and I am contemplating converting to Judaism.

My birthday, this year, was splendid. I did exactly what I wanted to do and loved every minute of it. So, in essence, I stuck my foot in my mouth the minute I opened up my birthday gift from the BF.

It was a big box, full of paper, one piece with a special message that would unlock the password to bring someone to me.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

My boyfriend, my girlfriend and Miller all devised a plan to bring my wife home to me from the sunny state of Florida.

Wife.

I get to be with all of the people I love on the eve of a New Year and I get the chance to start off a new decade on the right foot. The one NOT inserted in my mouth.

**************************

Oh, I will also be on a sandy beach for my one year anniversary.

Here.

Alien Abduction

2009-12-23T09:24:00.004-05:00

There are many things, in life, that are sacred. A woman's alone time in the bathroom "putting her face on," is one of them. We all have customized rituals, specific products and do-hickies that we use, as well as actions that shouldn't be witnessed by the opposite sex. Most of the male population fail to understand the importance of our alone time in the bathroom. Unfortunately, for most of us gals, it takes more than a shower and a shave to get ready for the day.

This morning, I shared my morning routine with my boyfriend of 8 months. He was brushing his teeth as I applied blush to the apples of my cheeks. He turned away to wipe his face of the toothpaste-using a towel hanging on the back of the door. He turned back and...

Him: "Aaahhhh!"

Me: "What?"

Him: "What are you doing to your eye??"

Me: "I'm curling my eyelashes!"

Him: "Aaahhh!"

I laugh. An eyelash curler is a scary thing, to anyone who doesn't know how it works or what it is.

After a confusing, disturbed stare I broke the silence.

Me: "I love you."

Him: "I love you too...alien."

Guest Post: Anonymous Adulterer

2009-12-21T22:04:00.002-05:00

*Let's face it - no one over the age of 14 has watched MTV in years. It should change its name to NMTV (No Music TV) and/or be sued for false advertising. Admittedly, they sometimes put out some true gems such as their recent Jersey Shore and one of my personal favorites, Tough Love. I haven't quite figured out if it's because it's host, Steven Ward is ridiculously good-looking or if it's because I feel as if I belonged on there, but I digress.

Tough Love is a show about relationship-challenged women who face Steven and his mother, professional match-makers, and learn how to be more open physically and emotionally to create successful relationships. On the most recent episode, they had a challenge where one of their most deep secrets were revealed in front of a jury of men and after they were bombarded with questions, the jury would either deem them "dateable" or "undateable." One woman's secret was that she had an affair with a married man. She knew he was married well before the affair started and she let it go on for over a year.

She went on to express how she felt a lot of remorse and how she'd never do it again. After all was said and done, the jury showed mercy and labeled her "dateable" solely because she was honest, regretful and mature. It was at this time that I, myself, let out a huge sigh of relief because years ago, I did the same thing.

Some of the details of it all are a bit fuzzy, and not because it happened "so long ago," but moreso because of the sheer shame of it all; I'd like to think I subconsciously pushed it aside. The part that I remember most of the "affair" was the day the line was crossed. I was single and 22 years old while he was married with a family at 34. I often wondered who was more at fault, he or I, or was the blame to be shared equally?

I would quietly critique his every move. Work, home. Work, my house, home. Work, home, etc. He was cautious, but not that cautious. If he was with coworkers and saw me in the grocery store, he'd pretend he didn't know me, but if I was walking him out of my apartment, he would kiss me outside by his car. Not the brightest of crayons in the box. I was very confused about my feelings for him. How could he be so passionate with someone other than the person he exchanged vows with? Part of me resented him for what he was doing to his family. Part of me thought that aside from this, he was a great person. He'd help anyone that needed it - lord knows he was a good friend to me both before and after.

I can't really explain why, but one day it all became so clear: I wasn't gaining anything out of it. I didn't want a relationship with the guy (who wasn't going to leave his family anyway), I could get a booty-call from anyone, anywhere, and do I really want this on my conscience? I'm not a religious girl, but I do believe in karma. At the end of the day, I know I wasn't the first girl he cheated with and I know I wasn't going to be the last. One thing I was going to make for certain - when he got caught, it wasn't going to be with me.

Here we are, almost 4 years later and I'd like to think I've repented! I wouldn't want my husband to cheat on me, so I won't be helping a husband cheat. I also think that it's the eureka moment I had that one day which makes me once again "dateable" just as it had that contestant on Tough Love.

People make mistakes. Some live, learn and grow (me), and others don't (him). We'll see who falls first.

*This post was written by an Anonymous 20-something woman who is "dateable."

Road to Nowhere

2009-12-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

I've never been much of a runner. I think I'm pretty fast if I have to be, but I was told by my doctor to never run track. As of lately I've had the feeling I've been running in place. Running and running and running and going nowhere...fast.

It's not quite clear when I lost my footing, I always remember being a bit confused about life. When I was younger, the world seemed so much easier-easier to navigate and easier to deal with. My path was so clear about 5 years ago and there was no doubt in my mind that I would find the end. The end all be all of happiness.

Like I said, I can't tell you when it changed. I used to be confident. I used to kick ass and take names. I was fearless. Or naive, whichever.

I'm stubbornly ambitious, strong minded and strong willed. Although lately, I feel defeated. I feel stuck. And I feel like I can't get off this treadmill. It seems that the happiness in my life can never coincide.

Personal > Professional

For once in my life, I don't know what I want. For once in my life, my creative juices have stopped flowing. I feel bottled up and I'm suffocating. And all I want to do is scream and cry. I've always been that girl to want it all. I do want it all. I want it all, with happiness. Content-ness. Content with my life choices and content that I made the right ones.

My road to nowhere is taking me around in circles. Spinning me into obilvion, and I can't see what's going on around me.

"It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?"

Everything happens for a reason.

I'm running this race of life. And I'm dead last.

Flash of Brilliance

2009-12-15T12:54:00.002-05:00

For my girls:

"I guess the thing is to not expect perfection in a relationship, but know enough that you know when you're settling and deserve better."-A.M.

A lil Holiday Chipmunk Cheer

2009-12-11T10:25:00.002-05:00

Enjoy!

There's Something...About Christ-mas

2009-12-10T10:08:00.005-05:00

It's the most depressing time of the year. I'm sure somewhere there's a study about the amount of suicides committed during the Holidays. I, personally, hate Christmas and everything it stands for.

I should also state, that December 25th is my date of birth.

Every year since 1983 I have had to share the spotlight with Jesus and the jolly fat guy. I've had many people attest to the "coolness" of having my birthday on Christmas but no one really knows what it's like.

It sucks big Christmas balls.

Everyone and their Mom receives gifts (depending on when Hanukkah lies, sorry Rag) on my birthday and I am continually forced to rearrange my day or not spend time with the ones I want to spend time with because they are with their own respective families. All I wanted this year was to be on a warm, sunny beach with myself. No one else.

I'm tired of the hype, the gift giving, the Ho Ho Ho's, the seasons greetings and the nonchalant-ness of the commercialization of the Holiday. I'm just plain tired of not getting my way. There I said it, I'm a brat. I want nothing to do with anyone associated with Christmas. It's the crappiest time of the year.

Often, when someone asks to see a form of identification, they will notice my D.O.B. and say:

"OH! You're a Christmas baby! That's so cool! Do you get double the presents?" "Actually, no, but everyone else does!"

She looks disappointed. And I smile like a smart ass.

My birthday is not special. Yeah it's cool that I share my birthday with Jesus, but seriously, where is the Christ in Christmas? It's all about good ol' Saint Nick-him and his dumb reindeer ruin everything.

See. While most people have a birthday like, March 1st or August 11th or even October 15th it's a day all its own. Its a day you get to look forward to, a day that you and ONLY you get presents from loved ones and get to go get drunk with your friends. When the Christmakkauh season approaches you, again, have something to look forward to. A day of presents, family and joy. Me? It's all in one fucking day. My birthday is shared with everyone else receiving gifts they asked Santa for and I in turn also have to give gifts on my birthday.

Again, I'm a brat.

When I was younger my older cousin, also a brat, didn't understand why I received extra presents on Christmas. She couldn't grasp that Christmas was in fact my birthday. She then would run to the well-lit tree and begin to open my gifts. This occurred on my 4th birthday, and it's documented on video. It kept occurring year after year, until I "didn't celebrate" my birthday on my birthday. I would open my birthday gifts on Christmas Eve so as to not upset my incoherent, incompetent family member.

Am I traumatized? Hells to the yeah. I hate a big hoopla. I hate when non-family members feel obligated to have a birthday cake for me at their house where I am spending Christmas. I hate that I have to choose which family to appease and which family to disappoint on my day of birth. And I hate that no one is around.

On my 21st birthday, I sat alone in my bedroom. Crying. I should have been at a bar, barely able to hold myself up. Instead, the bars close on December 25th.

This year, all I ask of the dude with the white beard and red suit: World Peace and a new birthday.

'Tis the season!

Blue Skies

2009-12-02T10:36:00.002-05:00

I stare into
the distance there is
no truth in sight
who can tell me why

everybody's looking for a blue sky
searching for an answer on a satellite
I know there's got to be a blue sky out there to see
A blue sky waiting for me

Tortoise and the Hare

2009-11-30T21:04:00.004-05:00

Slow and steady wins the race.

Mary and Paul were two young adults. They met in a record store in 1977. She was a model. He was a photographer. It was a match made in post psychedelic bliss. They married 9 months later. And after 14 years of marriage, two kids and a house in suburbia they divorced.

The ramifications of their quick decision to love wouldn't come to fruition until their children were much older and more screwed up than you can imagine.

Are their really ramifications from love?

Many know the fable the Tortoise and the Hare, the story concerns a hare who ridicules a slow-moving tortoise for being...well, slow. In response, the tortoise challenges his swift mocker to a race. The hare soon leaves the tortoise in the dust, confident of winning, he then decides to take a nap midway through the course. When he awakes, he finds that his competitor the slow guy who crawled, slowly but steadily, has already won the race.

Anyone would have bet money on the hare to win that race, so why don't people gamble with a fast moving relationship. When you know, you know...right?

Paul and Mary thought they knew. And to this day are forced to keep in contact with each other, mainly for their children's sake. By rushing into love, they weren't completely sure of what the others intentions were. Paul didn't want kids. Mary did. Had she known this little detail, would she have gone through with the marriage? Or was she too blinded by love?

Two friends of mine, in the past few months have met "the one" and have decided to get married after only knowing each other for approximately 4 months. Both are engaged. Both are extremely intelligent. Both are dealing with long distance. Both are insanely happy.

Truth be told, there are many naysayers toward both relationships for very different reasons. Details which will not be disclosed here. Is it that they can't believe in love? Or the timing of it all? And is it really love or just lust? That can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, winning the world series kind of stuff. And who are we to judge?

Is there really a protocol for being in love? Must you wait a year to move in with a significant other? Must you date for 4 months then contemplate getting married? Do you tell your girlfriend that you love her at a baseball game? *wink*

The answer to all of those questions is a big, fat...NO/YES! Because it doesn't matter. All that matters is what you are feeling at that moment, in time. You're ready. You're practicing your swing, knocking the dirt from your cleats, firmly planting them into the ground but not before writing an "A" in with the tip of your bat for luck, there's the pitch, SMACK, it's high, it's gone. Over the left field wall. A walk off home run.

You can feel it in your bones when you're ready. When you're ready for marriage, when you're ready to swing for the fences, when you're ready to move in, when you're ready to win the race and when you're ready to date again. It's not about timing. It's just about the right person.

The tale of the tortoise and the hare is not exactly a love story, but more of a lesson. A lesson that we shouldn't take a nap in the middle of a race, even if it's supposed to be a sure thing.

Sure, slow and steady wins the race...but a heart doesn't know when not to love.

Happy Anniversary

2009-11-24T20:24:00.004-05:00

One year ago this month it was over. It was all freeing and crushing at the same time. It was one year ago that I put one foot in front of the other and walked out of the door and made a run for a life of my own. A life that I would determine and a life that would be amazing.

So, there I was...24, almost 25, ready to have a bangin' career, lovely friends and the occasional date here and there. The world was my oyster. But like Sandra Bullock so eloquently states in While You Were Sleeping...life doesn't always turn out the way you plan. Which, sometimes, can be a good thing. Not so much for an impatient woman like myself.

This past year, I learned a lot about myself.

I learned that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

I know how to have a good time.
I work too much.

My friends are my biggest cheerleaders.

I love yoga and will practice for the rest of my life.

Family is not a right, it's a privilege.

Taylor Swift can read my thoughts and make them into songs.

Two tequila shots is plenty.
Running 10 NYC blocks in heels is possible.

I have a lot of love to give.

I'm loyal to a fault.

Things really do get easier with time.

I like clean surfaces.
It's OK to embrace my inner dork.
If I really put my mind to something, I can accomplish it.

And most importantly, I can move on.

When curling up in the fetal position on my bed seemed like the perfect answer to all of my woe's, I never thought I'd be able to see life through the trees. I was lost forever. Damaged goods.

Now...

I'm a better person. And, as sick as it sounds, I wouldn't change a thing.

In Un-Happier Times

2009-11-13T14:23:00.007-05:00

I miss this ball of fur and drool.

He would ALWAYS lick my face. Puppy facials.

Puppy Love

2009-11-09T21:18:00.000-05:00

There's a scene in Marley & Me that signifies the special intuition and bond an owner and a dog have. Jen Aniston's character just found out she lost her baby. They, her and Owen Wilson character, arrive home from the doctor to find Marley. Owen leaves the room and comes back shortly after to find Jen sitting on the couch. Marley's head is in her lap and he's sitting there, comforting her. She leans down, sobbing, petting and hugging him.

The unconditional love of a dog is a love uncomparable to that of the love between human beings. They don't talk back (OK, they may bark...), they are always happy to see you and they are content with your company lying on the couch, playing catch or just watching you write a blog on your laptop.

I find myself very lonely at times, missing the unconditional love I once had. I find myself almost in tears when I see dogs on television, on the street or in a magazine or newspaper. I miss my little buddy. My companion when I had no one else to confide in, no one else to kiss or hug, and no one else to just cuddle with after a hard day.

You may be wondering what happened, and why I no longer have "my" dog. My ex (aka Douchebag) bought him, trained him and reared him. I simply just loved him, and took care of him as part of my responsibilities whilst living with Douchebag. We would take our morning walk, flying down the stairs and onto the puppy sidewalk, chasing the stray cats into the bushes and watching the cars pass by on their daily commute. We would eat breakfast together, I'd head into the bathroom to begin my morning routine and he would lay in the doorway as my body guard. I'd trip over him daily, not learning that he would always take a mid-morning snooze at the threshold.

Nevertheless, when Douchebag and I parted ways, I begged for partial custody but had no means of taking him to court, since in fact, legally, he was his dog. I was allowed visitation rights whenever I wanted to make the treck up to see him, but it would always end up in a fight and eventually I realized in order to move on from that aspect of my life, I had to give up my Puppy Love. The only man that could make me feel like a million bucks when I was in tears and the only man that understood exactly what I was feeling and thinking every time I looked in his eyes.

He was my protector. He was my little boy.

In essence, I lost part of my family the day I moved out. I was more torn about leaving my puppy and thinking that he would think that my absence was his fault. I tried to best explain to him that Daddy and I didn't love each other anymore and that I would try my hardest to see him all the time if Daddy would allow it.

I had contemplated many scenarios of dognapping in my head and even devised a plan with my hair stylist, but nothing ever came to fruition. Nor would I have even tried, I'm not THAT crazy.

I miss him.

I miss his cold nose on my hand in the morning. I miss his frustrated sighs when he was trying to get my attention. I miss him sticking his head in my laundry and stealing my underwear and bras. I miss him laying on my pillow after I got up from the bed. I miss him leaning on the back of my legs when I cooked dinner. I miss the look of innocence when he would rip apart a toy within 5 minutes of having it. I miss him tilting his head to listen to me. I miss him barking at Douchebag for yelling at me. I miss him thinking he's a bird and trying to catch up with them as they flew (usually dragging me at the other end). I miss him sneezing all over my car window after I JUST washed it. I miss him thinking he is a lot smaller than 100lbs and trying to squeeze through small places and trying to curl up on my lap. I miss him running to the door and trying to stop but instead would fly right into the unsuspecting victim. I miss him holding down my feet when I would do sit-ups. I miss his head in my lap when I would drive him "home."

I originally saw Marley & Me, ironically on a plane to Vegas, to begin my "Girls Only" vacation. The trip I booked to celebrate my singlehood and to forget about Douchebag and the puppy I wasn't allowed to see. I was trying very hard not to watch, since, well, I knew what was going to happen. I was not prepared to cry on an airplane full of strangers and there was no way I was going to put a damper on the first 6 hours of my vacation. But, I couldn't resist Marley's cute face and the way he reminded me so much of my puppy. I was sucked in. The scene with Jen Aniston with Marley's head in her lap completely emcompasses and describes Puppy Love.

John Grogan: A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?

Creature Feature

2009-10-30T15:27:00.003-04:00

A guest post on life affected by love (all kinds) by Tim.

---

I am deaf. I am smiling. I am myself, for the first time in years.

We’re programmed to believe that this chance to be alive and breathing is meant to be something “larger” and “more important.” Bank accounts, mortgages, flat screens. I love possessions, but I am not possessed by them. I am possessed by the sound of a new song, the hair of a beautiful woman, the way her skin looks in the morning sun, the change in her breathing as she wakes up. The fact that some of them just simply feel like home.

I can pick an endless numbers of days this year that have changed me, but some are far more special than others. I’ve played music since I was three years old, and it has never been as vital as I feel it is right now. I’ve fallen in love many times, and that gorgeous, confusing dance is as vital as it has ever been. Music and the love of my family and friends are the only things I want to surround myself with until the day I die. I consider myself to be the luckiest man-boy on the planet.

I have played music, fallen in love, and shared laughter with some of the most beautiful creatures on this planet. Each one of them has made my heart as gracious as it is today. Days away I still feel every beat; every note makes my heart want to explode. Every memory of a kiss feels as it did when it was changing me the first time. I am alive. The wrinkles forming under my eyes are mostly there because of smiles, which makes me feel even more grateful.

Months ago I thought I was dead. My life came crashing down in front of me. A time consisting of layers of pain, exhaustion, and mind-bending agony that I will never be able to adequately quantify. (Can you ever?) Denial is a strong thing, and it ruined me for a long time. The music I made was good, but lacked passion. The love I try to show to everyone in my life felt unrequited with the one person who I thought was my world. She was. Always will be a part of me. However, I need more. I need someone to feel it. I want everyone around me to be their beautiful selves and let loose with whatever is in their soul. (That’s why she ended it. She is who she is and I want her to fly and be the amazing spirit that she is.)

When I look back on my life there are glimpses of special moments which capture all the pain and how it somehow coalesced into something life-altering. Sad to say, we are all damaged, but that’s the beauty of it all. We are all one, it just takes a second to realize that some folks get it and some don’t.

As for today I will play music with three of my best friends. I will think of the amazing women I have had the pleasure of knowing, and wish that all of them could hug me all at once. Inspiration comes from every corner of your being…just look harder.

A Dream Within a Dream

2009-10-27T23:55:00.002-04:00

There was a time, not long ago when I never thought I was going to wake up from my nightmare. I was lost, broken and alone. I spent the last half of a decade as a part of a lie, losing myself and my mind slowly. I saw a relationship die right before my eyes a long and painful death. It was time to take off the life support.

That was almost a year ago. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I felt something so heart wrenching that I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life. He blamed me for everything and I accepted. Except I did something that he didn't expect...I changed.

I don't consider myself a psychic by any means, nor do I believe the impostors out there, I do have this sick intuition that shakes me from time to time and I find that I am drawn to others who share the same feelings. I also have vivid dreams, dreams that, if interpreted correctly, have substantial meanings and impeccable foreshadowing.

A few days ago, I had a dream that *Bob died. I found myself at his funeral looking over his casket. He looked older. I searched around for the family and friends that I had grown to be friendly with after over half a decade together and noticed that none of them were particularly sad. His sister was in a red dress (a la Scarlett in "How to Deal") and I couldn't locate his biological mother.

I knelt next to *Bob's casket. I was upset of course. Upset that I couldn't save anyone but myself. And I did. I took his hand and I swore that he moved a bit, and I thought to myself: "You f*cker."

The next thing I knew I was jarred awake from my alarm clock, bewildered as to what just took place in my subconscious. I wasn't sure how to feel, or if I should call him to see if he is indeed alive. I contemplated and replayed the dream in my head several times trying to figure out what I felt. Then I realized I felt nothing.

" To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you've been clinging onto."

(via)

My subconcious was telling me something that I wasn't aware of. I knew I was OK, and that I am sublimely happy in my current relationship, but I didn't think that I would actually bury *Bob, in a dream no less. I do know that I no longer have any urge to speak with him or see him ever again. Unless it's to give me my dog back, but that's a whole other blog.

The feeling I was searching for and have longed for was freedom. I finally feel free of his restraints, I feel free from guilt and I feel free from myself. I feel that anything is possible and the glass is finally half full. I feel that you can fall in love with your best friend and live happily ever after in a great partnership with the utmost respect and support. Relationships take work, and someone didn't want to put in his time.

I can't quite remember the ending of the dream, if there even was one, but there was a lesson and a hidden message I'm sure of it. What that truly is, is up for interpretation.

But it is nice to feel, finally free.

*name has been changed to protect the douche bag.

Me to a "T"

2009-10-23T16:29:00.001-04:00

The Capricorn personality is very grounded in reality; it's the rock that everyone else loves to lean on. For the most part, Capricorns are quietly strong-willed and self-assured. They truly know who they are, so they are comfortable in any social situation they choose to participate in. Although Caps sometimes have a reputation as being a bit stodgy, they often astound their companions with their sharp and sudden wit.

(via)

The Way You Love Me

2009-10-21T13:06:00.002-04:00

When I first heard this song by Faith Hill, I hated it. It was simple, and if I had a record company backing me then I could write something like this too etc...

When I started dating my boyfriend, I out of the blue, started humming this song and constantly singing it in my head. Almost kicking myself for liking it all of a sudden.

He took me to see Taylor Swift in concert in Nashville and it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. She's an amazingly talented artist and is so real that you just want to be her best friend. OK, OK, I want to be her best friend. Anyway, there was a buzz going around that there would be a surprise guest appearance, I guessed it would be Tim McGraw who would help sing his namesake. It was actually, Faith Hill. She walked out and started singing "The Way You Love Me." Ironic? Totally. But also, awesome.

The fact that my boyfriend and I were there when she was singing that song, I feel was more than a coincidence.

So, please enjoy the video. It's a tad shaky but gets the point across.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2009-10-18T20:21:00.003-04:00

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Honestly, it makes perfect sense. A few wise people have said to me, "you are right where you are supposed to be." And where I am supposed to be could be anywhere. Just as long and I'm smiling. Because I love smiling. Smiling means I'm happy.

I've been told that I wear my emotions on my face (as opposed to the proverbial sleeve). At any given time, you will see me smiling. A "hello" smile, an "I love you" smile, an "I've just blocked Michael's bedroom door with the shopvac" smile and the "my boyfriend is amazing" smile. Very rarely can someone rattle my cage, but it does happen on occasion. Those bastards. I am only human.

Normally, I am a very private person. I tell my deepest, darkest secrets to the people I love and trust the most. I have a very small group of friends that I tell everything to and few who I look to always for support and a shoulder to cry on. They love me for who I am, and shouldn't expect me to change with the seasons. I've been taking care of myself since I was 16 and I don't expect anyone to baby me (my Mom is an exception). Therefore, if there is something you have to say to me, tell me. I can handle it, I'm a big girl. I also will only rarely ask you for your opinion. I prefer to fight my own battles.

The only thing in life that I can't handle is motion sickness. Everything else, bring it on!

I've been questioning motives lately. Why do people do certain things that they do and say things that they say. No particular reason, I guess. But there is one thing that I always ask of people, and that's to be honest. I'm not a person who will tell you you're shoes are cute if I think they're ugly. I don't make passive-aggressive remarks to make you question what it is I'm really saying to you and I'm respectful. I shut my mouth so I don't insert my foot and I will be damned if someone calls me a hypocrite. No one should be faulted for being happy. No one.

When I was in the first grade, my teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up. The kids in class said the usual, Fireman, Doctor, Marine Biologist (yeah, really) and I said I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I was a ballerina then and I thought I was destined for the spotlight. I also had a boyfriend named Andrew. We were 6 years old and he was such a babe! We dated exclusively for about a week and then he moved on to my friend Vanessa. I don't remember crying or not liking Vanessa, maybe I didn't share my snack with her or something, but the scenario was anything but detrimental.

Things have changed, I no longer root for the Cowboys (GIANTS baby!), I'm no longer in the first grade and I no longer date Andrew. I have feelings, strong feelings and they tend to get hurt from time to time. I can't pinpoint when, but I started taking life a lot more seriously when I got older. And I also look at friendships differently than just sharing Dunk-a-roo's at snack time.

For the most part, I can make decisions on my own. I like to think of myself as a smart, independent woman. It was recently that I asked far too many people what they thought of my current situation, and I got nowhere. No one could tell me how I felt and no one could tell me how to react. I couldn't sort out my feelings because everyone else was telling me how to feel or what to do. Then I realized that I'm a quarter of a century old and I don't need anyone telling me how to feel or what to do. Simple, huh?

No comments from the peanut gallery, please.

I'll deal with whatever cards I'm dealt in the best way I see fit. I have no apologies for who I am, because no one should apologize for who they are. I like to surround myself with positive, eccentric individuals who give a damn about other people and march to the beat of their own drummer. No one to hold their hand when the going gets rough. We'll be fine. No tissues necessary.

Moo.
(via)

Emotionally Spent

2009-10-12T21:38:00.002-04:00

It's a known fact amongst us ladies that shopping cures the blues. Preferably, shoe shopping since we're always the same size (catch my drift?).

I find an excuse to shop for almost every occasion, for multiple people but mainly for myself. It rained today. Oh! I could use a new umbrella!

On the surface, there doesn't seem to be much of a thought process. In reality, the items purchased on said rainy day are making up for a lack of dealing with the rainy day issue. Sure buying the umbrella will keep me dry (and also stylish) but in essence, it's also shielding me from the issue: ie. the rain.

If I'm not making much sense here, its because its not meant to be justified. We shop when we're upset. End of story.

I was in Grand Central one Saturday morning, cranky because I hadn't eaten, so I bought myself a wheat bagel toasted with butter. Or so I thought. I finally found a seat on the bench when, to my chagrin, I opened the wax paper to find a plain bagel with cream cheese. No matter. I was starving. I took a bite of the bagel-I-didn't-order and then felt a tap on the shoulder. I was startled, I jumped and the bagel-I-didn't-order fell onto the gross NYC train station floor. Turns out it was an elderly woman looking for a seat, I politely made room for her and her friend and cleaned up my bagel. After throwing it in the trash I almost started to cry. For two reasons: for getting the wrong bagel and then not being able to eat it.

I took the shuttle to Times Square and walked to Macy's Herald Square. It was in a matter of 5 hours that I spent close to $1,000. All because I couldn't eat my bagel. Sure it would have been cheaper to buy another bagel, it was the principle of the matter. Could there have been an underlying reason as to why I spent so much money on clothes I didn't need that is more justifiable than me dropping my bagel in Grand Central? Sure, but do you really need one?

Emotional shopping aka Retail Therapy takes its toll on my credit cards and my bank account, but at the end of the day, I'm usually happy with my purchases (after I get yelled at by my boyfriend and my Mom). And in a situation that is less than stellar, its nice to know that there's something out there that will always cheer me up...just maybe not $1,000 worth.

Phoebe: Do you feel any better?

Rachel: Manhattan doesn't have enough stores.

My retail therapy? A pair of UGG Austrailia "Bailey" Button Sheepskin Boots for $150 at Lord & Taylor. A gift from my Mom so I will stop complaining to her to turn the heat on. A gift to myself for a not so stellar situation I'm currently in.

Hey, at least I didn't spend a grand.

Spinning My Wheels

2009-10-09T11:07:00.002-04:00

My relationship with my gym is fickle. I enjoy the end results of working out, but rarely find the motivation to just get up and go. One of the things I love most is variety, especially taking the aerobic classes. My favorite is the Spin class. It's a great class for a cardio workout if you're like me and can't stand running on a treadmill. Spinning burns TONS of calories and by changing resistance, it's a great quad and butt work out too.

It had been awhile since I set foot in an aerobic class, let alone in the "Mom & Pop" gym in my lovely small town (where I actually worked during college). Many of the employees from my tenure are still working there, which is comforting to have some familiar faces, but also kind of damning to my ego since I'm still in said small town.

One Wednesday when I worked up the guts to try out the Spin class again, I rushed out of work at exactly 5pm to make it to the 5:15 class. I parked my car in my old "spot" and rushed in to change in the locker room. I saw a familiar face, Kira, whom I've known for a long time; we made small talk as we both made our way into the classroom.

"So what brings you back?" she asked.

"Oh, well, I moved away for a bit then came back home."

"Broke up with your boyfriend?" she asked a-matter-o-factly.

I laughed uneasily, "How'd you know?"

We both grabbed bikes and situated them next to each other. If I was going to endure pain and suffering whilst being drenched in sweat I wanted to do it next to someone I knew.

Lillian, the instructor, had her back turned to the classroom while she fussed with the sound system (which coincidentally still doesn't work from when I was employed 3 years ago). She turned towards us, our faces weary with the thought of what may be in store for our bodies.

"Oh, hey, Kira's here...OK, what's your name? Wait. Do I know you? You look so familiar," Lillian said.

"She used to work here!" Thanks, Kira.

"OH! OK." Lillian began the class, stopping every so often to try and place our lives coinciding.

When I worked at the gym, 3 years ago, I was still in college pursuing my Journalism degree with high hopes of becoming the next Meredith Vierra, Suchin Pak or Anne Curry. That dream hasn't necessarily subsided, it's just been morphed into becoming happy and successful at whatever I do. Currently, it's PR. I like PR. I like what I'm able to accomplish and I utilize my best assets.

Unfortunately, at my current position, I don't believe that I am. After being employed by my firm for four months, I've been itching for a better opportunity. I'm clouding my life with extracurricular's and not focusing on the big picture. The big picture that I had when I was in college.

After my ex and I broke up, I had three different people tell me I looked "stress free." And it was true. Recently, I had two different people say that I'm "spinning my wheels." I'm not where I see myself and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's beyond frustrating. The ambition in me is hammering at my ego for settling for a job that seemed promising at first but quickly turned into a "WTF am I doing here?"

It's been 2 months and I make it, every Wednesday, to Spin class. It's my release for the week. I take out my frustrations on the uphill battles and relish in my accomplishments during the sprints. I hope to, someday soon, find my "niche" and a place where I can plant my feet and stay for awhile, allowing me to utilize my best assets and be all I can be.

Lillian eventually remembered that I used to work at the front desk every Saturday morning.

"Journalism! You went to school for journalism!"

She remembered I would have a stack of newspapers and magazines behind the desk to keep me occupied when I wasn't greeting members.

"You left to be a reporter, I remember now, how did you do?"

I did, I became a reporter, than a Senior Editor, then I went over to the dark side and now I'm in PR. I laughed uneasily.

"That's good, you're going somewhere."

I sure hope so.

Fall? Well I'll be Damned.

2009-10-07T11:18:00.002-04:00

Time fly's when you're having fun. Or at least when you're stressed out and don't have time for anything. I'm not sure when it was that I became so busy, or that I put so much on my plate but my calendar is full until mid-November.

REALLY?

Yes. And it's both a good and bad thing. A bad thing because I'm missing moments around me, but a good thing because I'm putting myself out there and relishing in the little moments I get with the ones I love.

For instance: When in the h-e-double hockey sticks did it become Fall? I understand Fall is official on September 21st or whatever, but the leaves are turning and falling and I have yet to enjoy it. I am constantly on the go and I am getting sick of it. I have a backlog on my DVR that annoys me to no end. I'm wound really tight and in the words of my sister, "You're going to give yourself a stroke."

It is my fault that I joined a Women's soccer league that only plays on weekends and it's also my fault that I continue to work part time on top of my full time job. Basically I'm trying to do it all and hoping I don't drop any balls in the mean time.

I've neglected my friends. Not on purpose, it has just happened. It also doesn't help that they live a few hours away. And I can't help but feel horrible when it feels like I'm "scheduling" them in. I joke about it, but in the end it sucks.

I need to become better at time management. I do a pretty good job of it now, my problem is trying to do everything all at once.

I truly can't believe it's Fall already. I'll be damned.

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

2009-09-30T21:55:00.003-04:00

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last
Wake Me Up When September Ends

The month of June in recent years has been a month from hell. This past September makes the last 10 years of June's child's play.

To begin our story of the worst September in history we start with the last few days in August when my Grandma passed away. The sadness spilled into September and the grievance period is all but over. She was awesome, but a power far greater than I thought she was more awesome and wanted her to itself.

I fought with everyone under the sun. My boss, my mother, my friends and I had a knock out drag out fight with my brother, something we haven't done since he became bigger than me. It was a rude awakening. I realized at that time that I had my mother's temper and her ability to lose all control of a situation due to rage. Damn Puerto Ricans.

My job ain't what it's all cracked up to be. I tend to make life decisions on a whim and with emotion and so far, it's gotten me nowhere. I'm told to be patient, my time will come. OK, fine. I'm cool with that. But I'll be damned if I am a publicist for a rubber manufacturing company.

I've mentioned before that I have a dysfunctional family, and granted, no family is perfect, but at some point this sh*t's got to stop...After a short dinner with my gf Maggie, I ventured to my boyfriend's house and waited for him to get off of work. My Mom calls my cell phone, I answer.

"Are you coming home?"
"No, I'm at JJ's, why?"
"Oh, well I don't know how to tell you this..."

Nothing good EVER comes out of a saying like that. She proceeded to tell me that my brother had been in a bad car accident the night before and my Dad had taken him to the emergency room. He flew out of the back windshield, landed in the street and refused to let the ambulance treat him. Long story short, the girl was driving drunk on wet roads, lost control, blew a tire, Sean was not wearing a seat belt and when the car hit the rock wall, he went flying. A few catscans and a weekend spent in the hospital later, he's home. In pain, but home. He's alive and that's all I care about.

My head has never spun so fast with everything that has happened this month. I have never felt so many emotions or ridden a roller coaster this long to come to the end with even more confusion. No smile, no sigh of relief, just another shrug of my shoulders to hop back on. It's not over. Not even close.

I've been told I'm a control freak. Shocking, right? That I just need to take everything in stride. A wise woman once said, just take it one day at a time. And that's what I need to do. Just take a virtual chill pill and stop trying to flip the world back onto it's axis. Maybe all of this bad stuff happened for a reason. To make me stop and look around. To spend more time with the people that matter most to me and to repair the damage done by years of no communication. Maybe there's a bigger message under all of the debris left behind.

I'm not done world.

You've just given me a swift kick in the ass.

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when Spring began
Wake Me Up When September Ends

Internal Conflict: One of Many

2009-09-28T15:48:00.002-04:00

Some people say that you can be your worst critic, I definitely fit that description. So much so that I frequently have internal conflicts in my head. Sorting out both sides of the story, the good, the bad and how much it may hurt someone else.

That's the other thing about me, I'm a people pleaser. It's in my nature to be, I'm a Capricorn. I'm loyal to a fault and if someone I love needs me, there's nothing that can stop me. Therein, lies most of my faults however. Not faults per say, but conundrums a.k.a internal conflicts.

Basically, the worst thing you can EVER say to me is "you've disappointed me." Point blank. Period. I hate to disappoint, and I spread myself as thin as I can in order to please everyone else. Because I love them, not because I'm trying to win them.

I have many internal conflicts, some are small, some are HUGE, and some keep me up at night. The small ones, insignificant at best, I somehow still manage to waste time mulling over dieting and shopping. Coffee Vs. Green Tea, Cookie Vs. Special K bar and Converse sneakers Vs. $ in my Savings account. The results: I had green tea this morning and a coffee jolt this afternoon, the cookie prevailed over the Special K bar and the jury is still out on the Converse sneakers, but it doesn't look good.

Another issue plaguing my mind these days is job hunting. Granted, I haven't been in my current position for very long and therein lies the internal conflict.

Do I stick it out for at least six months and then start looking? Why should I even be looking for a job when there are people who have been unemployed for months and people who need new jobs more than I? Shouldn't I be establishing myself at a company for more than a year? Does it make sense for me to establish myself when I can't stand the job? Why is there a perfectly good opportunity out there and I can't bring myself to apply because of others needs? Should I even apply for jobs when I'm contemplating going back to school for a completely different field? Where would I work if I went back to school full time?

Here is where the support of my friends come in. They listen to be babble on and on about nonsensical things when I can easily answer these questions myself. The kicker? I can't face the music just yet. And that's OK. Luckily, I'm still young. I have a lot of mistakes to make and a lot of things to experience. I just need the support of others during this crazy time in my life and for them to tell me to go for the Gold. Regardless of the repercussions.

More to come on this topic.

The Daily Jones: September 23, 2009

2009-09-23T14:38:00.004-04:00

Hi, I'm Allie and I have a shopping problem.

Crowd: "Hello, Allie!"

I once gave up chocolate for Lent. This past year, I gave up shopping. It was a great feeling. Last year, around this time, I gave up shopping until Christmas and even then, I only bought gifts for other people.

Last night, I was talking with my boyfriend about my upcoming schedule (read: Work-a-holic). We are planning a mini-vacay to Vermont in late November. I mentioned how I signed up for a "Lucky Shops" event in NYC on November 6th. It's an event where you can shop major deals on designer duds, have a few cocktails, mingle with celebs and such. I am going with Meg.

Somewhere between explaining the event and figuring out what weekend in November works best, I blurted out how I'm not going to shop until November 6th.

It seriously came out of nowhere.

His response, "Bullshit."

He's right. It's almost virtually impossible for me to avoid a good buy or a sale. When the two of us walk through stores I put blinders on myself as to not see all of the cute little tops or accessories.

Right now, I'm jonsing for shoes. I'm always the same size, and in no way can I look fat. And since it's now officially Fall, it will come a time in the near future that I will need to cover up my tootsie's.

I'm liking these:

Store: Nordstrom
Designer: Converse
Price: $39.90

Buying these certainly will not break the bank, but it's the principle of the situation. Do I need them? No. Would I like to have them? Yes. Would I wear them? Of course!

If only there were more important issues to worry about. *wink*

Weekend Recap

2009-09-21T14:05:00.003-04:00

Friday: Went to visit Sean in the hospital, twice. Not a fan. Why are hosptial's so dirty??? Had a pizza and movie date with G. Ate ice cream, as well. Posted a blog on why I hate technology. Couldn't sleep.

Saturday: Woke up around 9:15am. Brother supposed to be released after third cat scan. he was released after only 2 cat scans. I am in a rage at doctors. Called parents to see if they needed anything before I headed to the boyfriend's. Tore up boyfriend's bedroom while watching "How I Met Your Mother" and proceeded to rearrange his closet. It's still a mess. Ventured out into the mall to replenish what I got rid of in his closet. GAP. Went to Maggie's to puppy sit. Pumpkin was a bad girl. Headed back to boyfriend's, showered then went out for sushi. Delicious. Dairy Queen. More delicious. "Fools Rush In," sleep.

Sunday: Woke up around 10am. Rushed to get ready and get breakfast from the coffee shop down the street. Met boyfriend at Maggie's to take care of Pumpkin again. She was a bad girl again. Got ready for soccer. Drove to soccer fields and proceeded to get lost from my un-updated GPS. Played soccer game for the first time in 10 years. Lost 4-1. Tons of fun, though. Drove home. Showered. Iced knee. Argued with mother about set up of impending BBQ. Mom's useless BF burns meat. Guests arrive. Mingle. Peer pressured by 6 year-old's to hold our family turtle, Mr. Turtle. Gave piggy back rides to two out of the three 6 year-old's. Explained why I don't have my dog anymore. "He's on vacation." Passed out watching Giants rip the Cowboy's a new one.

End scene.

Love is Blind...

2009-09-19T12:48:00.003-04:00

You all know the saying: Love is blind. I used to say that love is blind...deaf and dumb too.

If you've read my blog before, you are aware that I was in a torturous 6 year relationship. Something I was unaware of until the last year or two, but by then, I felt it was too late. I also didn't want to give up. Again, love is blind...deaf and dumb too.

I was sitting in the chair, in my younger brother's hospital room (that's a whole other blog post. Stay tuned.) and my father, brother and I started talking about cars. The car, that Sean flew out off was a car similar to the first one I ever purchased for myself. A Chevy Cavalier. I loved it. But I digress.

I mentioned how I love the new Toyota Rav 4's. Plus, my mother is constantly pestering me to buy a 4-wheel drive vehicle. "Sure, Mom, let me just shell out that cash." I also mentioned that I would love to have it in white, with tan leather interior and a sun-roof.

"I'm getting a sun-roof in my next car, since Bob* didn't let me get one [in the car I have now]," I said defiantly.

My father asked, a-matter-o-factly: "Why did he have any influence over what you wanted in your car?"

I was silent. We turned back to the matter at hand, which was my brother's health.

The whole two sentence exchange got me thinking, as to how much control he really had over me. I was the puppet and he held the strings. I didn't know any better and frankly I didn't know I should have known any better.

Despite all of the warning signs, and all of the things I would say to myself. I knew I was blind, but I didn't do anything to correct my situation. I thought he knew best. Like my Dad. Turns out, really only father knows best. I will forever take my Dad's advice, because to me, he's the smartest man I've ever met. Has he made mistakes? Of course, who hasn't? But that doesn't mean he doesn't know what's best for his little girl.

He tries, anyway.

Love is blind...deaf and dumb too. I was lucky to regain my eyesight to truly see the real person and the situation I created around me. It wasn't easy. But it was the best decision of my entire life.

Thus far.

Here's to a road of recovery.

Cheers.

Technology=1 vs Allie=0

2009-09-18T22:57:00.002-04:00

I have been waiting for websites to load on my lap top for the past hour. And I have wasted 1/2 of my battery doing so. I'm about to throw my wireless out the window.

Tell me how Google opens quickly but my Gmail refuses? And when I reload a website sometimes it loads and sometimes it doesn't. I wish that it was possible for humans to be this unresponsive and still be someone or something that we "need."

And this is how I'm feeling right about now...

This would be actually a comparable feet considering I own a lap top and would have to possess super human strength to bite through my keyboard.

Blast from the Past: Dating a Work-a-holic

2009-09-15T10:58:00.006-04:00

Me: Was my life this busy when I was [in a long-term relationship] with Bob*?

B: Yes and no.

B: You didn't have the added business of dating. Which is a full time job.

I'm fresh out of a long ass relationship. Which, in many aspects, I considered work. And as far back as I can remember, I've always had 2+ jobs. I like to work, I like my work and I like to make money. I also have a shopping problem, but I'll save that for my therapist.

My ex never supported my work decisions, I thrive off of working/writing. I freelance for a bunch of places and I also work in promotions in my spare time where I can make my own schedule. The past four months, however, I feel like I haven't let myself stop. I always say, I should take some time off or I should sleep in. I feel like it's a waste of a day.

As Liv Tyler's character says in Empire Records:

"There are 24 usable hours in every day."

Besides being confused about my emotions, I also have no time to really think about them. I have let a few relationship prospects go to poo because of my work schedule. It could also be a sign that I'm not ready, and I'm OK with not being ready. For a man to really capture me during this time they have to make me stop. Not stop me reaching for my goals and dreams, but stop the merry-go-round that I've put myself on. I need someone who's just as ambitious as I am, and extremely understanding.

He's out there. Hopefully I can fit him into my schedule.

(via)

*Names have been changed to protect the douchebag.

This ain't a Fairytale...

2009-09-10T10:13:00.001-04:00

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

Nashville here I come...well, until Sunday.

Tell Me Baby, Is this Real?

2009-09-08T22:34:00.002-04:00

I like to do things the hard way. Always have, always will. When things are too easy it scares me, almost like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always believed that everything worth having in life took hard work and commitment. Like a relationship.

For six years I put in hard work and commitment into a relationship, when my partner didn’t do squat. You would think I would get tired of it and move on, right? Well I grew tired, but I didn’t move on. That is, until last November. I put too much faith in him and thought that one day he would snap out of it. He didn’t. We fought endlessly about the stupidest things. And suddenly, a year or two into our relationship, all we did was fight. Every word that came out of our mouths pissed the other one off. I got so tired of fighting that I would walk on eggshells around him, acting like the perfect girlfriend when deep down I was crying inside because I wanted things to change. I just didn’t know how to change them. And the thought of me leaving my first love scared me more than I could even tell you. When we fought, our relationship felt real. I could feel the emotions, the highs, the lows, and the pit in my stomach that knew I was fighting for something and that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I wouldn’t be talked down to and I refused to be lectured on how to live my life to please him.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the one thing that held our union for so long, when it should have crumpled from the constant shaky ground. Our dog. Correction: HIS dog. A friend had passed away. My partner was at the widower’s house, I brought home a pizza and curled up on the couch and waited for him. My dog nudged at me so I pulled him on the couch to cuddle, to console, to keep me company in an upsetting time. The dog “was not allowed” on the couch, as my partner in his fits of OCD commanded to me when we bought the couch. My partner came home, to my surprise, and the dog didn’t move. Caught us red pawed. He looked at me with the ugliest look I had ever seen from him, like I had just betrayed his trust. I looked at him dead in his face, “Do you want me to move out?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes. Silence. He still glared at me. “I’ll be out by the end of the month.”

Five months and a new relationship later, I am happy as ever. He is the total polar opposite. But I sometimes forget that… there are things that I got used to, being in a long term relationship and being single: doing things when I want to do them. I also have a tendency to say the wrong things and not mean any harm, mainly because my brain and mouth tend to work separately and words and phrases come out wrong. Sometimes I don’t realize how harsh I am being until the person on the other end says something. Which could have been the cause for all the fights in my previous relationship, but my therapist and my mother said that I shouldn’t dwell on blaming the entire relationship on myself.

My relationship right now is easy breezy. We were friends for four years before we started dating and it created a sturdy base. We rarely fight, but when we do, it smacks me in the face. It brings me right back to that feeling I had that fateful day in early November. A feeling like I was punched in the stomach. But, at the same time, it also makes me feel like we’re real, as twisted as that sounds. When my current partner and I fight, it reminds me that we are in a relationship. We’re not these two goofy friends who took an extra step and spend a lot of time together. We’re committed. We both have strong feelings. And those strong feelings get hurt when someone like me, says something stupid.

Is it bad that it only feels real when we fight? Can a relationship really be this easy? Am I crazy? Actually, don’t answer the last question. I’ll save that one for my therapist.

"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

Allison the Grammarian

2009-09-04T10:39:00.005-04:00

I am currently reading The Idiot's Guide to Grammar. I wasn't too keen on reading it at first, but it's starting to grow on me. I've LOL'd on a few occasions and I hope it will keep my interest and help to improve my grammar.

Enjoy the two quotes below.

My reality check bounced.

and...

In the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the 'escape' key.

Here's to a good weekend! Chin Chin!

Reflection

2009-09-01T09:53:00.005-04:00

Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror? Like, really stared? I did once, and I didn't know who was staring back at me. Sure, I had the same brown hair and brown eyes that I was born with, but I didn't like what I saw. Not in a vain "I'm so fat and ugly" way, but in a "how the hell did I get here" way.

I've lost a lot of people in my life: some to the afterlife and some to petty circumstances, neither are easy. I lost my Grandma, Friday August 28, 2009 at 1am. She was one of the strongest people I know. She always knew what to say and do, she never lost her cool. She was cool. The coolest Grandma. For her 80th birthday, she wanted to go ice skating in Rockefeller Center. The next year, she wanted to go sky diving. She had a bucket list, before Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.

I had a lot of long talks with my Aunts this past weekend, and we reflected on how strong my Grandma was. How she would focus on the living, and getting through it rather than sit and feel sorry for herself. So, that's what I did. My brother and I took great care of my Grandpa and I feel a void not being there for him today. He's preparing himself to go through the motions to live without the love of his life for 62 years.

62 years.

62 years of marriage isn't a number we see anymore. My parents were only married 14 years, and that ended messily. The only ones they can blame are themselves, but of course they blame the other.

As I reflect on the situations that surround me, I am engulfed by pettiness and things that no longer matter. I'm trimming the fat, so to speak. My Grandma never bothered to frustrate herself with nonsensical talk and negativity. She would get up and move on. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm moving on. I will no longer focus on the past. Only the future.

Care to join me?